Butterfly Effects

For some time now, I've felt that God has been speaking to me through the metaphor of a butterfly. In fact, so far it's become three distinct metaphors. Allow me to explain.

THE BUTTERFLY OF FUN

I was first introduced to the idea when a very good friend said she felt that a song about a butterfly was meant for me. She even sent me a recording of the song. Here are the lyrics, which I believe to be the work of a lady called Laila Bevan:

Feels like I'm flying like a butterfly

Over the oceans and across the sky

Feels like I'm flying like a butterfly

No mountain is too high

No valley is too deep

My Jesus gave me wings

So I could fly

Now, I admit that to be begin with I didn't quite 'get' this. I mean, the image of an eagle soaring - that I can understand: an image of purpose and destiny. But a butterfly? It seemed to me that all butterflies do is muck about. They flit hither and yon, with no apparent navigational skills whatsoever, pausing from time to time to drink from a flower or two. 

And then I thought: maybe that's the point. Maybe I'm supposed to relax and enjoy the scenery. It's good to enjoy the journey, and from time to time, to stop on a flower and drink in the blessings.

THE BUTTERFLY OF CHANGE

The image was next brought to me through a prophecy. It was a prophecy given to me personally, during my time away last August. The person who gave it had no idea of my circumstances, and certainly no idea that God had spoken to me through butterflies in the past.

As this person was praying for me, he had a mental picture of a butterfly, which he said had beautiful iridescent wings. He said that I may feel sometimes that I'm a caterpillar, but that beauty is inside me - that I have within me the potential of a butterfly.

Now, a caterpillar's transformation into a butterfly is not an easy thing for the caterpillar. Inside its pupa, it gets melted down, and is then remade as the butterfly. And I certainly feel that I have been in state of meltdown recently, but I think I'm just starting to solidify again.

Then, the new butterfly has to fight its way out of the pupa. And no one can do that for the butterfly, because it needs that struggle to strengthen its wings. If it doesn't go through that struggle, it won't be able to fly afterwards.

Another good friend pointed out this last part to me when I told her about it. She even gave me a beautiful necklace: a butterfly with iridescent wings.

THE BUTTERFLY OF STORMS

This third metaphor only came to me recently, while I was reading "Interesting Times" by Terry Pratchett. In his wonderful creation the Discworld, there exists a creature called the Quantum Weather Butterfly (or 'Papilio Tempestae'). Its most outstanding feature, he tells us, is its ability to create weather.

This is, of course, a joke on the famous 'butterfly effect' of Chaos Theory. The image is used to illustrate how tiny and apparently insignificant things can end up being significant after all, because they influence other things, which then influence more things, and so on. For example: a butterfly flapping its wings in Africa could theoretically cause a tornado in Texas, because it moved some air particles, which then moved some other air particles, which moved some more air particles... you get the idea. And who knows where it will all end?

The point is this: small actions can have a knock-on effect that leads to large consequences. Small actions matter. 

And I may be only a tiny butterfly, but when I flap my wings, I can begin to change things. When I reach out to people, when I try to help, when I spread hope - I'm moving some air around. And the people I helped can help others, who can help more people, and so on. Like the ripples when a stone is thrown into a pool, the circle of consequence grows far beyond the original event. It's about paying it forward. 

A small act of love has more power to change the world than we can possibly imagine.

AND SO, DEAR READERS...

Be a Butterfly of Fun! 

- Relax, enjoy the ride, drink in the blessings.

Be a Butterfly of Change! 

- Allow God to transform you, strengthen those iridescent wings and fly!

Be a Butterfly of Storms! 

- Flap those beautiful wings and spread currents of hope.

Make It Matter

This weekend, I went to a women's conference with a very good friend. It was a bit of a blur at the time, especially as I was rather unwell, but I think the dust is beginning to settle now, and as I read through my notes, I find a few things standing out to me.

One biggie is the theme of change - of God initiating a 'new thing', a new season in life. This fitted in with other stuff I believe God has been saying to me lately, much of which I've written about in this blog.

Then there was the concept of the difficult times and the pain bearing fruit and helping others. Again, this followed hard on the heels of what I believe God has already spoken to me, and served as an encouragement and a confirmation. One of the speakers even mentioned 'spiritual children' and helping those who would come after us: in other words, leaving a legacy that can go on helping people even after we're dead.

There were several mentions of recurring problems - of seeming to go round in circles, feeling we'll never reach the point of breakthrough that others around us reach. This may not sound very positive, but it spoke to me strongly. And the points they made in relation to it were very positive: 

• That we need to work through things in order to become the person God created us to be and do the things He has for us to do; 
• That God does have a plan that He's working out, even when we can't see what He's doing; 
• That He is working on our behalf 'beneath the surface' of our lives to bring that plan about, even when we can't see any indication of change.

The main concrete thing that I've brought away from all this is a renewed sense of purpose about writing my self-help book. (I've mentioned this project a few times in this blog.) I feel encouraged that this really is something that God wants me to do, and that it really will help people in their individual lives - and thus contribute to building the Kingdom. Even if I can only do a small thing, God can use that thing to make a difference in the world. 

And Can It Be?

When things are tough, it's easy to lose sight of the basics of our faith. What Jesus went through to make us His own is our grounding for everything else in life. It's because of this that we can settle in our hearts, once and for all, that God is good, and that His love will never let us go. 

'Tis mercy all! Immense and free! :')

40 Things I Have Come to Realise

This is doing the rounds on Facebook at the moment. You're supposed to put it in your notes and tag people you think might like to fill one out as well. Anyway, thought I'd share my life wisdom a bit farther abroad! :D

1. I have come to realise that life is complicated, and often messy. REALLY messy.
2. I have come to realise that God is bigger than my pain.
3. I have come to realise that life has times and seasons.
4. I have come to realise that Jesus is always with me, whatever season I am in.
5. I have come to realise that Grace is bigger than we can really take in.
6. I have come to realise that there is always more to learn, and you can learn something from everyone.
7. I have come to realise that God has a Purpose for my life - and everyone else's! - and the joy of that Purpose is greater than anything else. :')
8. I have come to realise that Pizza makes all things good. :)
9. I have come to realise that tea offers a moment of transcendence. Tea is a gift from our Creator! :D
10. I have come to realise that the darkness will pass. Always.
11. I have come to realise that it's good to be an Aunty! :)
12. I have come to realise that it's ok to be single. :) And I'm happy to stay that way for the foreseeable future. :)
13. I have come to realise that heroes are... shall we say, rarer in real life than in fiction? :S
14. I have come to realise that I have a pastoral and teaching gift.
15. I have come to realise that you can do the work of a pastor without having a title - or a salary! :D
16. I have come to realise that I have gained a certain amount of skill as a writer over the years.
17. I have come to realise that I can actually ACHIEVE stuff!
18. I have come to realise that my health will probably always be a problem to some extent.
19. I have come to realise that I would very much like to live in Cornwall. :)
20. I have come to realise that I'm the kind of person who needs to plan in order to get things done.
21. I have come to realise that I like to wear my hair short. :)
22. I have come to realise that I am a very odd person. And that works for me! :)
23. I have come to realise that it is good to be yourself, and that I don't want to be anybody else. :)
24. I have come to realise that there are very few places where I really feel that I belong.
25. I have come to realise that hormones are a pain in the butt. >P
26. I have come to realise that life is a journey.
27. I have come to realise that Literature is wonderful thing. :)
28. I have come to realise that I love writing. Seriously, love it.
29. I have come to realise that music, trees and the ocean feed my soul.
30. I have come to realise that Evony will eat your life if you let it! :D
31. I have come to realise that sometimes life is not fair. It ought to be, but it is not.
32. I have come to realise that not all Christians have well thought out ethics.
33. I have come to realise that on most subjects, disagreement is absolutely fine. :)
34. I have come to realise that I don't have to be good at everything.
35. I have come to realise that I should not allow myself to be used.
36. I have come to realise that gender equality is a Biblical concept.
37. I have come to realise that healing takes time. And lots of it.
38. I have come to realise that I should cut myself the same slack that I cut for others.
39. I have come to realise that even with all the times of pain and darkness, it's still a beautiful world. :')
40. I have come to realise that weeping may last through the night, but joy comes in the morning. It really does! :')

Seasons

At the Keswick Convention 2009, I attended a seminar which gave me a new take on Psalm 23 - that the psalm shows the seasons of life, and that understanding what season you're in helps you to get the most out of life. I have found this line of thought very helpful, and it forms the basis for this blog post.

SEASONS OF PEACE AND PLENTY

'He makes me lie down in green pastures;

He leads me beside quiet waters;

He restores my soul.' (vv. 2-3a)

If you're wondering what happened to verse one - bear with me, all will be revealed!

Anyway, these are the times when we get built up, healed and restored; the times of rest and refreshing. It's interesting that this is the season that comes first. This may be the same principle as that of Genesis 1, when God created humans on the last day of the week and then gave them a day off! We are to work from rest, rather than rest from work.

(Some people teach that this is the only season we should expect. In my last post, I explained why I don't agree with that view.)

It occurs to me that this 'season' equates quite well to summer - a time when everything is lush and green - a time of 'holiday'.

SEASONS OF BLESSING AND BREAKTHROUGH

'He guides me in paths of righteousness

For His name's sake.' (v. 3b)

The seminar suggested that these are the seasons when we give out, in service and ministry. These are times of fruitfulness, breakthrough and fulfilment; the times when we are really moving in our giftings, and perhaps discovering new ones. Notice that the shepherd is still with us, guiding us into the paths He wants us to take.

This season, then, would be autumn - a time labour and of fruitfulness. This is a time when we can truly bring glory to God.

SEASONS OF DARKNESS AND DANGER

'Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil, for You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.' v. 4

These are the dark times, when it's hard to see ahead. These are the times when we have more questions than answers, and it can be difficult to see what God is doing; the times when we may feel that God is distant, or has forgotten about us altogether - perhaps even that He is punishing us in some way. (He is not, incidentally! There are times when He needs to discipline us, but punishment is a different thing, altogether.)

Obviously, this is the worst season to be in, and no one looks forward to it. The fact that God allows such seasons means that they are necessary, and in my last post, I talked about some of the things that He may be accomplishing through these times.

And again, I have to say that the key to surviving these seasons is that He is with us! We may feel that He is distant, but He is not; He is closer than ever, feeling every second of our pain with us, suffering with us. The care of the Shepherd - His 'rod and staff' - are still there for us, right in the middle of the dark valley. That is why we do not need to fear, even at the worst of times. 

As I understand it, the 'staff' would be the shepherd's crook, to guide the sheep; but the 'rod' is the shepherd's weapon, to protect the sheep. He will guide us, even when we cannot see in the darkness; and even when things are at their darkest, He is warding off worse things from coming near us.

Clearly, this one is winter - it's dark, cold and apparently barren - but the trees are not really dead, they are simply dormant; and when the leaves are stripped away by the storms, you see where their true strength lies.

SEASONS OF DEFENCE AND FAVOUR

'You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.' (v. 5)

The seminar didn't cover this, but it seems to me that the psalm shows a fourth season: a time of vindication and honour. There are still enemies present (unlike in the 'rest' season, where none are in sight) - but they can't touch you in this season. It seems to be a time of blessing, abundance and protection. 

I think these are the times when God shows others that you truly are His servant, and under His care. If the other seasons occur in this life, I think it's fair to expect a few of these seasons as well.

This must be spring - not quite the full rest and plenty of summer, but the promise of new beginnings and blessing to come after the ordeal of winter. 

A YEAR WITH THE SHEPHERD

'The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want' (v. 1)

'Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life.

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.' (v. 6)

It seems to me that verses 1 and 6 bookend the psalm with the sense of God as our provider. The Shepherd is always with us, throughout all the seasons - leading us into peaceful places and causing us to rest; guiding us into fruitfulness; protecting, guiding and comforting us in darkness; protecting, providing and honouring after the darkness passes. The recurring themes are His guidance, provision and protection.

Last year was truly a 'valley of death' season for me. There were times when I wanted to die just so that the pain would stop. In the words of the Apostle Paul, I was 'under great pressure, far beyond my ability to endure, so that I despaired of life itself' (2 Cor. 1:8). (Incidentally, this blog is the only place I have publicly acknowledged a part of how bad things were - only my closest friends and family know the full truth.) There were times when I couldn't see how I was going to get through, but God never failed to guide me into the next step forward, even when it was too dark in my life to see where that step would land me.

And now, the darkness is passing - far more quickly than I had dared to hope it might! I seem to be moving into the next season. I am very, very grateful to be in a time of protection, though my 'enemy' is still lurking on the borders, and as yet, public vindication has not come - but that lies in the hands of my Shepherd.

I am grateful that times of blessing and fruitfulness lie ahead - but at the same time, I am aware that other seasons of darkness will come. They are necessary. And to be honest, that scares me quite a lot. But my Shepherd got me through this dark valley - even through the times when I didn't believe that there was a way through! - and I know that He will guide and protect me through any other valleys that lie before me.

Whatever season you may be in, gentle reader, I hope and pray that you will know and feel the comfort, guidance and protection of your Shepherd, who never, ever leaves you.

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Be Careful What You Wish For...

When we say that we want to know Jesus better, or that we want to be more like Him, I wonder if we really understand what we're saying.

People who rely heavily on Proverbs and the like tend to say that if you live a life of obedience, you will be blessed. And that is part of the truth - God does bless us, wonderfully. But it is not the whole truth, and to believe that it is, you will need to rip out large swathes of your Bible. Job is one book that springs to mind, and some of the Psalms, and parts of Ecclesiastes - not to mention a lot of the prophet books! The prophets were faithful to God when no one else was, yet often suffered horrendously.

And then, there's the New Testament. Look at the lives - and deaths! - of the Apostles. Did that happen because they were unfaithful to God? Of course not! Quite the reverse, in fact. The New Testament teaches that suffering can happen as a direct result of righteousness.

SUFFERING AS CHRISTIANS
Jesus warned the Apostle Paul that he would suffer for the His name (Acts 9:16) - and boy, did he! (2 Cor. 4:8-12). Jesus warned His disciples that they would have tribulation/persecution in the world (John 16:1-4, 33). Paul warned that everyone who wants to live a godly life should expect persecution (2 Tim. 10-12).

In fact, the New Testament is littered with references to suffering for righteousness. I won't attempt an exhaustive list, but here are a few: Rom. 8:35-39; 2 Cor. 1:3-11; 2 Cor. 11:23-29; Phil. 3:7-16; 1 Thess. 1:6-2:8; 2 Thess 1: 5-7; 2 Tim. 2:3-15; Heb. 10:32-36; Heb. 11:35b-38; James 5:10-11; 1 Pet. 1:6-7; 1 Pet. 2:20-25; 1 Pet. 3:14, 17-19; 1 Pet. 4:12-14... enough to be going on with?

WHY?
Why does God allow this to happen to us? I don't want to be glib about this; I know that the things I personally have suffered are nothing compared to what other people suffer, even amongst people I know. But I want to share some of the stuff that has helped me, in the hope that other people may perhaps find it helpful, too.

Last year, things got so bad at one point that I actually did wonder if God was a sadist; and when I was in that place of uncertainty, life did not seem worth living.

What clinched it for me, and brought me back to a place of hope - or at least of hoping that hope would come - was the Cross. What Jesus went through for me and you - not just physically, but carrying the weight of guilt for all human wrong doing - I can't even imagine the suffering involved in that. You don't go through all that for someone just so that you can torment them. You just don't. Where would be the sense?

So if the answer is not that God wants us to suffer, there must be another explanation.

Purpose
One of the most helpful things for me was the idea that my suffering could help others. This idea is mentioned in a number of the passages above, perhaps most notably 2 Cor. 1:4. So if I suffer, and I then help, say, 10, 20, 30 people in similar situations - if my suffering bears fruit, so that others suffer less - then that makes what I went through worthwhile. It has to.

Another idea that helped me a lot was that of entering into the sufferings of Christ. This is also mentioned in several of the references already given. That famous passage in Philippians 3 about 'counting everything as loss for the sake of Christ' and 'pressing on towards the goal' - it all hinges, I believe on verse 10: "I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the sharing of His sufferings by becoming like Him in His death..." (emphasis mine).

Do you see that there is a connection between the suffering and the becoming like Him? And there's a connection between the becoming like Him and the knowing - how are we to know the power of His resurrection unless we first experience being like Him in His death?

Which is where we came in. That's what I mean when I say that we pray to know Jesus better and to be more like Him, perhaps without understanding quite what we are asking.

Being Prepared
The early Church was taught to expect these things. We, very often, are not. We are told that if we do right, everything will be lovely and nothing bad will happen to us. And we pray to know Jesus better and to be more like Him - and then, when He does what we asked, our world turns upside down and we become confused, because we were not taught what to expect! 

Is it any wonder that new Christians fall away? We have not been fair to them or done right by them. We have converted them, but we have not taught them what it means to be a disciple. Being a disciple means being prepared to follow your Master wherever He goes, and to be treated as He was (John 15:18-20). It means entering into His life, and being prepared to enter into His death (Mark 8:34-37). Jesus laid that down, right at the very founding of the Christian faith.

SO WHAT'S THE GOOD NEWS?
Well, firstly, this life is not all there is! 
That is not always the most comforting thought when you're right in the middle of something very painful, because heaven and the 'Age to Come' seem a long way away, and you have to live through this now. And I don't mean to belittle anyone's suffering even a tiny bit - not for a second; but the fact is that there is a lot more of eternity than there is of this life! And when we get there, we will know that it was worth it. We may not understand it all now, but one day we will. And then the pain will stop forever, and all tears will be wiped away.

Secondly, there are times and seasons.
I wanted to say more about this, but I've already gone on longer than I meant to, so I'll do that as a separate post tomorrow. For now, suffice to say that even in this life, it's not all suffering! There are good times, too. I know some people who are due some good times, and I'm praying that those seasons will open up for them.

Thirdly, and by no means least - knowing Jesus is the best thing in the world.
I am absolutely convinced of this. Even now in this life, with all the sufferings and pain, there is nothing that compares with knowing Jesus. There is comfort, peace and joy in knowing Him that cannot be had any other way. And those things are available to us, even at the worst of the bad times. I'm not saying that they're always easy to tap into, and I know I haven't always managed it - so please believe me that I don't mean look down on anyone who isn't in that place right now. But the great hope we have is knowing that they are there and available to us. And He will help us to find them if we let Him.

Finally, we are never alone.
Whatever we are going through, Jesus never, ever asks us to do it alone. I posted a little while ago about Jesus enduring our suffering with us (see post: 'God WITH Us'). That's the flip-side of us entering His sufferings - He also enters into ours. He lives through it all with us. First He suffered for us, to make us His own; now He suffers with us, because we are His own. That is why nothing can separate us from His love (Rom. 8:35-39) - because He chooses to go through it all with us!

All of this is why I love my Jesus! There is no one in the universe like Him. There is no love in the universe like His love. And I could not do without Him.

The Sun is Shining

Well folks, the New Year is going pretty well for me! Hope it is for you, too. :)

To be begin with, I don't believe it would be true to say that I am depressed any longer. I'm aware that I'm still convalescing from that, so to speak, and I know that I'm still a little emotionally fragile. But the time of constant pain and inner turmoil is firmly in the past now. I aim to keep it there.

As for the business that triggered it - I know that I am not fully over that yet, simply because it still comes to mind quite frequently when my thoughts are not otherwise engaged; but I have made a good deal of progress with that, too. I suppose I'm 'convalescing' from that as well! But again, the time of constant pain and turmoil is in the past. I still have twinges, but the wound is healing cleanly.

Looking back, I'm amazed to see how far God has brought me in such a short time. I know that it's Him who has sustained me through this; I've felt His comfort and peace time and time again, and He has given me a strength far beyond my own. His grace and faithfulness are staggering. After 2000 years, He's still in the business of binding up broken hearts.

I think the New Year has been a helpful mental watershed. Not that there's anything mystic about the date or anything, but it makes it easier to put all that baggage in a box marked 'yesterday', to step away from it into a new 'today', and to look towards 'tomorrow' with hope.

In my 'today', I'm happy with how my novel is coming together. It's so good to feel that I am finally achieving something! I have made a plan for the work, and if I stick to it, the book should be finished by the end of the year. I'm feeling very positive and enthusiastic about it all. :)

And in my 'tomorrow' - I have tickets to see David Tennant in 'Much Ado About Nothing'! Words cannot express how chuffed I am about this, especially as it looks like I'll be able to combine it with my annual visit with my best friend and we can go and see it together.

So yes, the sun is shining for me again! The sorrow lasted through the night, but the joy came with the morning. :)

P.S. - I really have no clue what the foreign (Portuguese?) words at the end of the video mean, so I hope it's something sound! :D

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Feeling Good

The week between Christmas Day and New Year's Day always feels oddly liminal to me. It doesn't feel like part of the old year, and yet it is not part of the year to come, either. This used to be a vague niggle for me, but I find it quite relaxing now. A good time to pause, catch one's breath and take stock, methinks! :)

This year, I'm not making New Year's Resolutions. Instead, I'm thinking in terms of a list of things that I would like to have achieved by this time next year. Goals, rather than 'resolutions'. The word resolution, whilst quite bracing in it's own way, also feels a little daunting. Goals seem a much friendlier concept! :D

Last month, a friend blogged on the subject of having a 'bucket list' - a list of things you want to do or achieve before you 'kick the bucket'. I've been thinking about this quite a lot, and it has impacted on my 2011 goals, which include the following:

THIS TIME NEXT YEAR:
- I want to feel fully myself again, healed up from the crap brought to me by 2010
- I want to have completed my self-help book for people experiencing similar crap
- I want to have made a good, solid chunk of progress on my novel
- I want to have built my health up and feel noticeably stronger than I do now
- I want to have managed my finances into a more stable position

It's a deliberately short list, and a deliberately achievable list. (I'm well on the way to the first item already.) It's even deliberately vague in places! For me, it's all about making progress. As long as I feel that I have made significant progress in those areas, I shall consider it a success.

I have purposely set goals which make me feel energised and enthusiastic, not ones which make me feel threatened or pressured. Goals that I really feel that I shall be able to accomplish. And of course, one can always reassess goals as one goes along. They aren't carved in stone.

2010 has been, as her majesty the Queen once put it, an 'annus horriblis'. But 2011 still lies before me. And I am going to do my best to make it a very good year.

Life will always have challenges and problems, but if God could get me through this year - one of the hardest of my life, if not the hardest - then He can certainly get me through anything else that life throws at me. I am feeling hopeful and positive about the year to come.

I feel that a new chapter is opening in my life. And I'm feeling good. :)

Being Human

' "What," men have asked distractedly from the beginning of time, "what on earth do women want?" I do not know that women, as women, want anything in particular, but as human beings they want, my good men, exactly what you want yourselves: interesting occupation, reasonable freedom for their pleasures, and a sufficient emotional outlet. What form the occupation, the pleasures and the emotion may take, depends entirely upon the individual. You know that this is so with yourselves - why will you not believe that it is so with us...

"Accepted as a human being!" - yes; not as an inferior class and not, I beg and pray all feminists, as a superior class - not in fact, as a class at all, except in a useful context...'

- from the essay "Are Women Human?" in "Unpopular Opinions" by Dorothy L. Sayers

Inspired in large part by the excellent essay I have quoted above, I wrote a poem yesterday... Well, it was supposed to be one poem, but rather interestingly mutated into two of them! :D I wrote the non-rhyming one first, then found a rhyming version coming to mind...

I guess the first version is more serious and the second more light hearted. :) Also, the chiastic structure is more important and comes out more strongly in the first one. They're like non-identical twins: they started out as one 'egg', but they've grown apart since then! :D

Anyway, without more ado:

BEING HUMAN (1)

My purpose is not to please a man
My purpose is not to keep a house
My purpose is not career motherhood
My purpose is not a successful career

I have no wish to manipulate
I have no wish to dominate
I have no wish to lose myself in a family
I have no wish to lose myself in a job

I am not a seductive temptress
I am not a domestic angel
I am not a hardened superwoman
I am not a baby factory

I am a human being

I am a complex individual
I am interested in diverse and disparate things
I am strong in some areas, weaker in others
I am sometimes right and sometimes wrong

I want to live a fulfilling life
I want to complete what God calls me to do
I want to do what I can do well
I want the freedom to be myself

My purpose is to love and please God
My purpose is to enjoy His love and embody it
My purpose is to give to the world what only I can give
My purpose is to become the best version of myself

© Ruth Fanshaw 2010
Composed 20th December 2010

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

BEING HUMAN (2)

I don't exist to please a man,
Wield cleaning cloth and frying pan,
Nor worship kids or a career –
These things are not why I am here!

I don't want to manipulate,
Nor master, rule or dominate.
I do not want to lose myself,
In family or in seeking wealth.

I am no seductive temptress,
Nor angelic household empress;
No machine promotion-taker
Nor a patent baby-maker!

I'm a human, that is all;
With my own life, and my own Call.

I am a complex mix of things:
Of interests, traits and ponderings.
I'm sometimes weak and sometimes strong;
I'm sometimes right and sometimes wrong.

I want fulfilment, just like you:
To do what God wants me to do.
To use my skills and use them well -
The freedom just to be myself!

My purpose is to please my Lord:
To be myself – complete, restored!
To give what only I can give
And show His love by how I live.

© Ruth Fanshaw 2010
Composed 20th December 2010

I hope it will be understood that I am not suggesting that marriage, kids and careers are in themselves bad things! The problem only comes when people (of either gender) imagine that any of these things are their raison d'être.

For myself, I would not rule out marriage if a suitable candidate should apply. :D (There is no such individual in my metaphorical waiting room.) I would like to be a mother, and I would like to be respected in my field and be financially independent. But if I ever get to the point where the person God created me to be gets buried or lost in any of these things... well, I'll just have to get out these poems and remind myself! :D

God WITH us!

The Apostle Paul tells us that some people see certain days as more important than others, while other people see each day as of equal importance. He says it doesn't matter which you are, as long as you're settled in your own mind and respect those who disagree (Romans 14:5-6).

I have to say that I am really in the latter group. I mean, I like Christmas, I enjoy it, but for me, God becoming a human being is just as important every other day of the year as it is on the 25th of December. That doesn't mean that Christmas doesn't have meaning. It's just that that meaning carries over the whole year.

But I suddenly feel that this 'meaning of Christmas' is coming home to me in a new way. A way that goes beyond (in a sense) the knowledge that God came to earth as a human being - though I don't mean to diminish the enormity of that for a moment. That alone would have been a staggering thing for Him to do. But that alone was not enough for Him.

God became a human being and lived a genuine human life. He showed that it can be done right. Then He chose to die a horrible death, carrying the guilt of all our wrong doing so that we wouldn't have to. And then He rose from the dead, proving that even death itself had no power over Him! Staggering, awesome, life-changing stuff! But even that wasn't enough for Him!

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Isaiah's prophecy (Isaiah 7:14) about Jesus calls Him "Immanuel", which means "God with us". It's this "God with us" that is taking on a new and deeper meaning for me.

We know that it means that God entered into human experience. But I believe it goes even deeper than that. God with us. God with us. Entering into human experience was not enough for Him. He enters into our individual experience. Right here, right now.

When Jesus sent 'the Comforter', the Holy Spirit (John 13:15-29), God came to 'make His home with us' (v. 23). That means God entering into our lives. Our real lives. That means God entering into all our individual personal crap. God entering into our whole experience of living. When we hurt, He doesn't just sympathise (though He does that too) - He feels that hurt. He lives through it with us.

There are lots of songs about God 'watching' us or 'looking down on us', and that is true, and many of them are great songs. But it is only a piece of the truth. It's not just "God above all my hopes and fears" (though I love that song!) - it's God in our hopes and fears. It's God living through that with us. It's not just God looking down on our storm, it's Jesus in the boat with us, feeling the lashing of the wind and rain. It's Jesus walking on sea, and reaching out to save us when we begin to sink.

When God asks us to endure things in this life, it isn't just on the basis of what He did for us 2000 years ago - although the immensity of that alone cannot be properly put into words! It's on the basis of what He is doing right now. Because He doesn't just ask us to endure these things - He endures them with us!

Last night, a friend and I were saying how we had lost faith in "one day" - that vague future time when everything gets better. But Jesus is with us now, in this day - right in the thick of it. Right in the middle of the hurt and confusion, God is with us! He is experiencing it too. I may not be able to see "one day" with any clarity, but I can believe in this day!

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For me, this is a big and vital part of the meaning of Christmas, and Easter, and the coming of the Holy Spirit: that Jesus went through all that, not only to save us from our sin and our sinful nature - even the enormity of that undertaking was not enough for Him! His love demanded more: the restoration of full communion with us. He suffered for us, partly so that He could go on to suffer with us. He wanted to come close to us in our sufferings; so close that He partook in them.

I believe this what He means when He says (John 13:27) that He leaves His peace with us: He leaves Himself with us, through the Holy Spirit. With us. This is not as the world gives - how could it? Only God Himself can come that close to any of us; can give Himself so completely. This is why our hearts do not need to be troubled or afraid. This is the wonderful 'togetherness', with Himself and the Father through the Holy Spirit, that he promises us (John 13:18-20). We will never be left alone again. Not ever.

There are no words to describe the staggering Grace of all this. I could pile it high with adjectives and superlatives, and it wouldn't make a dint. What did I ever do, that the perfect King of the Universe should enter into my little life in that way? What could I ever do to repay it or make it worth His while? The answer to both questions is, of course: nothing. But incredibly, He thinks it is worth His while!

The Grace of God is just so BIG! The more you learn about it, the bigger it gets! And there is ALWAYS more to learn!

"Thank you" is a woefully inadequate phrase with which to respond; but it's the best one we've got.

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The Door of Hope

For the last two or three days, I have had a real sense of peace; the kind of peace that makes you feel that you can breathe again. All the tension goes out of you, and you just relax into it. It's like God, as your Dad, gives you a big hug that makes you feel that everything will be ok after all. I have even felt stirrings of joy again.

It came on quite suddenly. I found myself in a place of acceptance again, a place where I was able to let go of the questions that have tortured me for the last few months. What happened happened, and things are the way they are.

Sadly, part of that was having to let go of my attempts to justify or excuse the person who hurt me. That doesn't mean going to the other extreme and giving way to anger and resentment. It just means accepting things as they are. There are still unanswered questions, but I feel that I can live with them now. I feel that it's ok not to know.

All in all, I feel that God is bringing me back to the place I had reached when I came home from my time away. He is restoring my soul again. :')

Hosea 2:15 tells us that God can make the 'Valley of Achor' (Achor means trouble) into a 'door of hope'. Even in our darkest times, He can take our situation and turn it around. There is no valley too dark for God's hope and love to shine into. :)

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Honesty is the Best Policy

I haven't blogged much lately. The basic reason for this is that I've been going through a particularly tough time and I wanted this blog to encourage people, not depress them! But I think I've now reached a stage where I can begin to talk about what I'm learning from this tough time. So here goes.

Recently, I have come to realise that I am teetering precariously on the brink of clinical depression. I haven't been there in 20 years, so it was a bit of a shock to find it happening again. Once I acknowledged that this was happening, I was able to think about how it came to happen...

THE STORY SO FAR
As followers of this blog will know, a little over four months ago, I had my heart broken. (I have thought in the past that I had had my heart broken, but judging from this experience, the other times must just have been nasty sprains! :'D) I was finding it very stressful to have to see the person who hurt me in this way regularly at church meetings, which in turn had an adverse effect on my M.E. (which does not respond well to stress). So as soon as I could manage it, I went away for three weeks to give myself space to recover.

The time away was a really good time with God, during which I was able to work through things in a healthy way, and I returned feeling refreshed and much stronger. So far, so good.

Where I went wrong was that I had decided that by the time I got back, I should 'be able to cope'. So when I found that it was still a great strain, I started to bottle things up again and went into a form of denial. Unsurprisingly (with hindsight!) this amplified the stress to an alarming degree, and resulted in the state in which I now find myself. (Things were not helped by the sudden death last week of someone I was once very close to.)

PHYSICAL CAUSES
Since I have acknowledged to myself where I am, I have started to improve again. I have got myself I a little book called "Coping with Anxiety and Depression", written by a Christian nurse called Shirley Trickett and published by Sheldon Press. I heartily recommend it to anyone who is going through anything similar. She explains that depression and anxiety both occur when your nervous system has had more than it can physically cope with. Then it starts to malfunction in one or both of the following ways:

Your nervous system has two parts: the 'sympathetic' nervous system and the 'parasympathetic' nervous system. The 'sympathetic' side speeds things up. It is what gives you an adrenaline kick when you face a crisis. Ms Trickett invites us to picture it as a man in red Ferrari with his foot on the accelerator! When this side goes into overdrive, it causes anxiety.

The 'parasympathetic' nervous system (which Ms. Trickett pictures as a man pootling along in a blue Morris Minor) is the side that slows things down. When this side malfunctions, it causes depression. Simple, really.

My overloaded nervous system has been swinging between the two, which is apparently not uncommon. I had anxiety for days before a meeting, and depression for days afterwards. This pretty much filled up the week! This had a very bad effect on my M.E. quite apart from the anxiety and depression in themselves.

CONCLUSIONS
As I say, once I acknowledged the problem and it's causes, I was able to begin to deal with things again, and have been starting to improve. I realise now that I had put a burden on myself that God never meant me to bear. He certainly never intended me to lie to myself, which was what caused my system to overload.

Jesus knows our human frailties; He has lived with them Himself. He doesn't require us to be 'Superpeople'. If we are struggling - yes, we are supposed to praise God in it, but nowhere does the Bible tell us to pretend that we are not struggling! The Apostle Paul acknowledges his struggles time and again, while still giving God glory in the midst of them.

The problem was never God's faithfulness. He has been staggeringly faithful through it all, including leading me to things that helped me, like Ms Trickett's book. The problem was how I handled things. It wasn't that I stopped talking to God, or even that I stopped asking Him for strength. But because I wasn't acknowledging the true state of things within myself, I wasn't able to receive all the help and strength that He wanted to give me.

So if anyone else is in a similar situation, I urge you to acknowledge this to yourself! You cannot receive the fulness of the help God wants to give you until you do. Honesty really is the best policy.

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At His Feet

Well, I am back from my Adventure! :D It was a good time with God, and I have returned feeling refreshed. I feel that I have gained some perspective on the situation, and some distance, which is perhaps as valuable.

Keeping a journal proved an effective way of processing things in my mind. I wrote it every day for the whole three weeks, which is the longest I have ever kept up something like that for! I am going to keep it up now I'm home, I think, though perhaps not every day now.

Sunday was fine. I went up on my mobility scooter rather than getting a lift. This served a number of purposes: it got me some fresh air, which is good for my health! It meant I could arrive at the start and leave at the finish, rather than having to be there extremely early and be the last to go, thus having a stupid amount of time on my hands when there was little to keep me from thinking about the fact that he was there. And it meant I could have time with God on the way there and the way back, with worship music on my MP3 player. I found all of this very helpful. :)

He took the time to greet me and smile on Sunday, which made things easier. After that we kept out of each other's way. I actually thought he was quite tactful and gentlemanly about it, which I'm glad of for his sake. And I didn't feel tense or awkward while I was there, which shows how far God has brought me! :)

I have reached the conclusion that the answer is not to make him (this guy I mean, not God! :D) the focus. He used to be the focus in a positive way - thinking when I would next get to see him and enjoying his company and wotnot. Then, after the Very Horrible Thing, he became the focus in a negative way - worrying about having to see him, and enduring the pain of his presence. I didn't fully realise this while I was in that place, but it now seems so screamingly obvious that I wonder how I could have failed to notice it.

Anyway, while I was away, I gained, as I say, some perspective and distance, and I believe it's important that I hang on to that mindset. I am trying not to slip back into worrying about seeing him, etc, but to simply focus on church as church - time when I can worship God with His people and perhaps do some good to a few people. It was always that as well, but this had somehow ceased to be the central thought in my head; I need to make sure that it is from now on.

And for life in general, my focus must be my relationship with God (obviously!) and getting on with what I ought to be doing - with the Purpose I believe God has for my life. Again, this sense of Purpose got slightly eclipsed somehow... or perhaps I just focused too much on that aspect of what I believed at the time that God wanted... At any rate, I don't believe that he ever eclipsed my relationship with God, or that I ever made an idol out of him. Certainly, I fervently hope that I was never guilty of that!

And as he is no longer to be the focus, the nature of this blog is likely to change somewhat from now on. I shall continue to write about God's faithfulness and healing, but shall probably refer less to this matter itself. I know there are still things that I am working through, but going over and over the same ground doesn't help anyone, and would be counterproductive.

Hmmm... I appear to have written a bit of an essay! :D

I'm going to finish with a song called "At Your Feet" by Casting Crowns. It is really 'the song of my life' at the moment, as a good friend recently put it in her blog. :) It almost feels too personal to share here, but I do so in the hope that it may help and encourage other folk. :)

It really is true that the more fully we surrender to God, the more free we are. Paradoxical, but true! And it brings a deeper peace than can be found or achieved in any other way. I am so thankful to my wonderful God for His faithfulness and grace to me. :')

My Days in His Hands

Well, I have had a really good week! Sarah was brilliant, as always! And it was so good to see her. :) And the scenery was stunning, whether it was in broad sunshine, rain or sea mist. Actually, I think the sea mist was my favourite. :)

God has said so much to me, in so many ways - far too much to put in here!

But I have come away from it all with a sense that this could actually be a really good season in my life - a really special time with God, a time of growth; and also with a feeling of moving into the future with hope and trust in the One who holds all my days in His hands and who knows "what's really out there waiting"; the One to whom "the future is history".

I am going to do my best to make the most of this season and every other season that comes along, and always to drink in 'The Miracle of the moment'. :)

And Part II of my Adventure still lies before me, commencing tomorrow. Again, I don't know if I'll be able to blog for the next couple of weeks, but I'll fill you in once I get back. Have a great fortnight, people! Our God is good and faithful, and He will never let go of your hand. :')
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Always Enough

Well, it's been an interesting week...

Made it to church in the morning for once instead of the evening. The preacher was talking about Psalm 23 and about going through dark valleys. At the end she said she felt strongly that she should suggest that the people who are going through valleys at the moment should talk to a member of the church leadership after. And I felt that God was talking to me when she said it.

Now, I have been careful not to talk to anyone in my church about all this, because I believe it would be wrong to damage the person's reputation. So I obeyed what I thought God was saying, but I didn't go into any details at all - basically, I just said that someone had hurt me badly; that they had behaved wrongly in this one area but that I believed their character to be in all other respects irreproachable. I didn't even mention the gender of the person. And the lady I spoke to got a couple of other ladies, and they prayed with me - and that was that.

I did wonder a little what the point was, apart from getting a bit more prayer, and I think it's this: because I can't really talk to anyone in my church about it, I have been feeling very alone and isolated there; like it wasn't really my church anymore. I think God wanted to show me that that isn't true: that it is still my church, that I have not been pushed out, that I do still belong. :')

Wednesday night was difficult and painful as usual. The stress of this business is really affecting my health - M.E. is particularly susceptible to stress. I really do need this time away, and I'm very grateful to God for making it possible. I am actually looking forward to it as an adventure, and I believe it will be a significant time with God.

Probably I won't be blogging so very much during the next 3 weeks, as I'm not sure when I will have internet access. But I'm going to try keeping a journal for the 3 weeks. I just feel like that might be a good idea... So maybe I will have stuff to report when I get back. :)

Meanwhile, as a parting thought: This song sums up pretty well where I am right now. I do feel like a dry and weary land, but Jesus is my rain, and through every fire and storm He is always enough. :)

P.S. - I know the lyrics on the video don't always show up very well and some of them have been typed wrong, but the pictures are great! :)
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More on God's Faithfulness...

I feel that tonight was a bit of milestone. Certainly, it was another outstanding example of God's faithfulness...

It was rather like the last Sunday night that I wrote about (see post "My So-Faithful God"), but even more so. His strength in me came through even stronger, and what, in the natural way of things, should have been an ordeal (it was last week! :S) was miraculously transformed into a peaceful victory - not over a person, you understand, but over circumstances and my own sinful nature.

I felt able to be natural and be myself for most of the evening, and to simply throw myself into the worship and enjoy it without many painful twinges... but it went beyond that. I had been praying that God would help me love "in a Jesus-y way" the person who hurt me and did not do right by me; and tonight, He really helped me to take a significant step along that road. I was able to make a gesture to show that I wasn't harbouring a grudge and that I still wished him well. It was only a small gesture, but it was a start! You might say it was one small step in the natural realm, but a giant leap forward in my walk with God! :'D

I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this is God at work in me and not 'my own power or goodness'. I know this because of all the times I have failed to do this in my past, including last week! And now I feel quiet and at peace inside, and I know that this, too, is God. Whatever other people may do to let us down or mess us about, He never does. He is always faithful and constant and utterly reliable. And He can bring out this aspect of His character in us (like all the other aspects) more and more as we walk with Him.

I've also been thinking about all the mercy I have received from God, and I want to be able to extend that to this person as well; I don't want to be like the servant in the parable who was cleared of a huge debt and then went and punished his fellow servant because he owed him a fiver. And again, I know absolutely that it is God who is giving me the strength to start along this path; and His grace is sufficient to keep me on it.

I am also very grateful that God is providing a few weeks of respite for me soon; I shall shortly be going on holiday for 3 weeks - the longest holiday of my life! - and the way the opportunities have all come together so quickly has God's goodness written all over it. The very fact that I can afford it is a small miracle in itself! :D

So basically, I am resting in the love and comfort of my Father, and am immensely grateful for His utterly consistent and amazingly generous goodness to me. :')

The Great Adventure!

Ok, so to be honest, I've really been struggling for the last few days; and I didn't want to post about it here because I really wanted this blog to encourage people...

Anyway, I was really down today, despite all my best efforts to the contrary - and then I found this song 'by accident' while looking for something else...

I couldn't believe how much it reminded me of the poem I wrote a few days ago (see post "A Knight's Tale"). It even contains the phrase "the ride of your life" - which I didn't put in the poem but had been thinking as I read it through afterwards. Clearly Mr Chapman is thinking more cowboys than knights in armour... but that's a minor detail! :D

This has really lifted my spirits again and made me feel quite positive and upbeat about 'riding on' with Jesus again. It's like I said - God always sends me something to lift me out of the black moments. I just have to keep giving the whole sorry mess to Him and let Him sort it out. He is faithful, and He does have all my days in His hands.

I am glad of the reminder that He doesn't just lead me, he also 'rides' with me. And He can see the way ahead when I can't see how to take a single step forward. I just have to take His hand, trust that He knows best, and walk on with Him. Or ride! :')
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Going Up!

I painted this over the last couple of days...

I am the eagle.

The stuff I am currently dealing with is represented by the mountain range and the valley.

My pain is represented by the clouds.

God is the sun rising, and the light gilding the clouds, and the wind beneath my wings. :')




From the beginning I have been determined not to 'go down' over this - I know that God can give me the strength to rise and soar, and He has very faithfully been doing just that; so I called this painting "Going Up!" :)
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My So-Faithful God! :')

Well, God has surpassed Himself tonight. Talk about His grace being sufficient! He has ministered to me so much; He has even spoken to me through the actual pain itself! A lot of it is very personal, so I'm gonna have to have a think and pray about how much of it is appropriate to share here...

For now, suffice to say that He gave me a strength so far beyond my own that it was staggering. And that He has reassured me of His comfort and presence and love and PURPOSE in all of this. I do believe that this pain will bear fruit for the Kingdom and cause others to be spared such pain, and that I can leave a legacy to go on doing this even after I am dead. That is pretty flippin' amazing.

The other thing is that when we go through this kind of stuff, we have the privilege of sharing a little in His sufferings. Phil. 3:10: "I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the sharing of His sufferings by becoming like Him in His death..." When we surrender our will to God's will, even if it means accepting pain, we become a little more 'like Him in His death'. And this leads to knowing Him in a deeper way; a fuller intimacy with Him.

"No matter what circumstances come our way - God's grace is sufficient, and He has a purpose for your life... The joy of the Purpose is greater than anything else. God has a plan for you. Move. Stand. Don't compromise." - Nick Vujicic
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Made Again :')

I would never have believed that this could be true for me at such a time in my life... I'm not trying to pretend that I don't have very difficult moments, when the pain becomes very intense - but God always lifts me up again, always sends me something that helps...

So yes, I have been here SO many times before in my life that it's unreal, and this should have been the worst of the lot, but I do see things differently this time because of what God is doing in me...

I do see the beauty in the world, and also in myself... The first couple of days after the Very Horrible Thing happened, whenever I caught sight of myself in a mirror my own eyes scared me, but now I can look at myself and my eyes do look clear and shining and even joyful...

And after the black moments, when God lifts me up again, it IS like waking up from a bad dream to find that the world is wonderful again after all...

Only Jesus can do this!! :')