Butterfly Effects

For some time now, I've felt that God has been speaking to me through the metaphor of a butterfly. In fact, so far it's become three distinct metaphors. Allow me to explain.

THE BUTTERFLY OF FUN

I was first introduced to the idea when a very good friend said she felt that a song about a butterfly was meant for me. She even sent me a recording of the song. Here are the lyrics, which I believe to be the work of a lady called Laila Bevan:

Feels like I'm flying like a butterfly

Over the oceans and across the sky

Feels like I'm flying like a butterfly

No mountain is too high

No valley is too deep

My Jesus gave me wings

So I could fly

Now, I admit that to be begin with I didn't quite 'get' this. I mean, the image of an eagle soaring - that I can understand: an image of purpose and destiny. But a butterfly? It seemed to me that all butterflies do is muck about. They flit hither and yon, with no apparent navigational skills whatsoever, pausing from time to time to drink from a flower or two. 

And then I thought: maybe that's the point. Maybe I'm supposed to relax and enjoy the scenery. It's good to enjoy the journey, and from time to time, to stop on a flower and drink in the blessings.

THE BUTTERFLY OF CHANGE

The image was next brought to me through a prophecy. It was a prophecy given to me personally, during my time away last August. The person who gave it had no idea of my circumstances, and certainly no idea that God had spoken to me through butterflies in the past.

As this person was praying for me, he had a mental picture of a butterfly, which he said had beautiful iridescent wings. He said that I may feel sometimes that I'm a caterpillar, but that beauty is inside me - that I have within me the potential of a butterfly.

Now, a caterpillar's transformation into a butterfly is not an easy thing for the caterpillar. Inside its pupa, it gets melted down, and is then remade as the butterfly. And I certainly feel that I have been in state of meltdown recently, but I think I'm just starting to solidify again.

Then, the new butterfly has to fight its way out of the pupa. And no one can do that for the butterfly, because it needs that struggle to strengthen its wings. If it doesn't go through that struggle, it won't be able to fly afterwards.

Another good friend pointed out this last part to me when I told her about it. She even gave me a beautiful necklace: a butterfly with iridescent wings.

THE BUTTERFLY OF STORMS

This third metaphor only came to me recently, while I was reading "Interesting Times" by Terry Pratchett. In his wonderful creation the Discworld, there exists a creature called the Quantum Weather Butterfly (or 'Papilio Tempestae'). Its most outstanding feature, he tells us, is its ability to create weather.

This is, of course, a joke on the famous 'butterfly effect' of Chaos Theory. The image is used to illustrate how tiny and apparently insignificant things can end up being significant after all, because they influence other things, which then influence more things, and so on. For example: a butterfly flapping its wings in Africa could theoretically cause a tornado in Texas, because it moved some air particles, which then moved some other air particles, which moved some more air particles... you get the idea. And who knows where it will all end?

The point is this: small actions can have a knock-on effect that leads to large consequences. Small actions matter. 

And I may be only a tiny butterfly, but when I flap my wings, I can begin to change things. When I reach out to people, when I try to help, when I spread hope - I'm moving some air around. And the people I helped can help others, who can help more people, and so on. Like the ripples when a stone is thrown into a pool, the circle of consequence grows far beyond the original event. It's about paying it forward. 

A small act of love has more power to change the world than we can possibly imagine.

AND SO, DEAR READERS...

Be a Butterfly of Fun! 

- Relax, enjoy the ride, drink in the blessings.

Be a Butterfly of Change! 

- Allow God to transform you, strengthen those iridescent wings and fly!

Be a Butterfly of Storms! 

- Flap those beautiful wings and spread currents of hope.

Make It Matter

This weekend, I went to a women's conference with a very good friend. It was a bit of a blur at the time, especially as I was rather unwell, but I think the dust is beginning to settle now, and as I read through my notes, I find a few things standing out to me.

One biggie is the theme of change - of God initiating a 'new thing', a new season in life. This fitted in with other stuff I believe God has been saying to me lately, much of which I've written about in this blog.

Then there was the concept of the difficult times and the pain bearing fruit and helping others. Again, this followed hard on the heels of what I believe God has already spoken to me, and served as an encouragement and a confirmation. One of the speakers even mentioned 'spiritual children' and helping those who would come after us: in other words, leaving a legacy that can go on helping people even after we're dead.

There were several mentions of recurring problems - of seeming to go round in circles, feeling we'll never reach the point of breakthrough that others around us reach. This may not sound very positive, but it spoke to me strongly. And the points they made in relation to it were very positive: 

• That we need to work through things in order to become the person God created us to be and do the things He has for us to do; 
• That God does have a plan that He's working out, even when we can't see what He's doing; 
• That He is working on our behalf 'beneath the surface' of our lives to bring that plan about, even when we can't see any indication of change.

The main concrete thing that I've brought away from all this is a renewed sense of purpose about writing my self-help book. (I've mentioned this project a few times in this blog.) I feel encouraged that this really is something that God wants me to do, and that it really will help people in their individual lives - and thus contribute to building the Kingdom. Even if I can only do a small thing, God can use that thing to make a difference in the world. 

40 Things I Have Come to Realise

This is doing the rounds on Facebook at the moment. You're supposed to put it in your notes and tag people you think might like to fill one out as well. Anyway, thought I'd share my life wisdom a bit farther abroad! :D

1. I have come to realise that life is complicated, and often messy. REALLY messy.
2. I have come to realise that God is bigger than my pain.
3. I have come to realise that life has times and seasons.
4. I have come to realise that Jesus is always with me, whatever season I am in.
5. I have come to realise that Grace is bigger than we can really take in.
6. I have come to realise that there is always more to learn, and you can learn something from everyone.
7. I have come to realise that God has a Purpose for my life - and everyone else's! - and the joy of that Purpose is greater than anything else. :')
8. I have come to realise that Pizza makes all things good. :)
9. I have come to realise that tea offers a moment of transcendence. Tea is a gift from our Creator! :D
10. I have come to realise that the darkness will pass. Always.
11. I have come to realise that it's good to be an Aunty! :)
12. I have come to realise that it's ok to be single. :) And I'm happy to stay that way for the foreseeable future. :)
13. I have come to realise that heroes are... shall we say, rarer in real life than in fiction? :S
14. I have come to realise that I have a pastoral and teaching gift.
15. I have come to realise that you can do the work of a pastor without having a title - or a salary! :D
16. I have come to realise that I have gained a certain amount of skill as a writer over the years.
17. I have come to realise that I can actually ACHIEVE stuff!
18. I have come to realise that my health will probably always be a problem to some extent.
19. I have come to realise that I would very much like to live in Cornwall. :)
20. I have come to realise that I'm the kind of person who needs to plan in order to get things done.
21. I have come to realise that I like to wear my hair short. :)
22. I have come to realise that I am a very odd person. And that works for me! :)
23. I have come to realise that it is good to be yourself, and that I don't want to be anybody else. :)
24. I have come to realise that there are very few places where I really feel that I belong.
25. I have come to realise that hormones are a pain in the butt. >P
26. I have come to realise that life is a journey.
27. I have come to realise that Literature is wonderful thing. :)
28. I have come to realise that I love writing. Seriously, love it.
29. I have come to realise that music, trees and the ocean feed my soul.
30. I have come to realise that Evony will eat your life if you let it! :D
31. I have come to realise that sometimes life is not fair. It ought to be, but it is not.
32. I have come to realise that not all Christians have well thought out ethics.
33. I have come to realise that on most subjects, disagreement is absolutely fine. :)
34. I have come to realise that I don't have to be good at everything.
35. I have come to realise that I should not allow myself to be used.
36. I have come to realise that gender equality is a Biblical concept.
37. I have come to realise that healing takes time. And lots of it.
38. I have come to realise that I should cut myself the same slack that I cut for others.
39. I have come to realise that even with all the times of pain and darkness, it's still a beautiful world. :')
40. I have come to realise that weeping may last through the night, but joy comes in the morning. It really does! :')

Seasons

At the Keswick Convention 2009, I attended a seminar which gave me a new take on Psalm 23 - that the psalm shows the seasons of life, and that understanding what season you're in helps you to get the most out of life. I have found this line of thought very helpful, and it forms the basis for this blog post.

SEASONS OF PEACE AND PLENTY

'He makes me lie down in green pastures;

He leads me beside quiet waters;

He restores my soul.' (vv. 2-3a)

If you're wondering what happened to verse one - bear with me, all will be revealed!

Anyway, these are the times when we get built up, healed and restored; the times of rest and refreshing. It's interesting that this is the season that comes first. This may be the same principle as that of Genesis 1, when God created humans on the last day of the week and then gave them a day off! We are to work from rest, rather than rest from work.

(Some people teach that this is the only season we should expect. In my last post, I explained why I don't agree with that view.)

It occurs to me that this 'season' equates quite well to summer - a time when everything is lush and green - a time of 'holiday'.

SEASONS OF BLESSING AND BREAKTHROUGH

'He guides me in paths of righteousness

For His name's sake.' (v. 3b)

The seminar suggested that these are the seasons when we give out, in service and ministry. These are times of fruitfulness, breakthrough and fulfilment; the times when we are really moving in our giftings, and perhaps discovering new ones. Notice that the shepherd is still with us, guiding us into the paths He wants us to take.

This season, then, would be autumn - a time labour and of fruitfulness. This is a time when we can truly bring glory to God.

SEASONS OF DARKNESS AND DANGER

'Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil, for You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.' v. 4

These are the dark times, when it's hard to see ahead. These are the times when we have more questions than answers, and it can be difficult to see what God is doing; the times when we may feel that God is distant, or has forgotten about us altogether - perhaps even that He is punishing us in some way. (He is not, incidentally! There are times when He needs to discipline us, but punishment is a different thing, altogether.)

Obviously, this is the worst season to be in, and no one looks forward to it. The fact that God allows such seasons means that they are necessary, and in my last post, I talked about some of the things that He may be accomplishing through these times.

And again, I have to say that the key to surviving these seasons is that He is with us! We may feel that He is distant, but He is not; He is closer than ever, feeling every second of our pain with us, suffering with us. The care of the Shepherd - His 'rod and staff' - are still there for us, right in the middle of the dark valley. That is why we do not need to fear, even at the worst of times. 

As I understand it, the 'staff' would be the shepherd's crook, to guide the sheep; but the 'rod' is the shepherd's weapon, to protect the sheep. He will guide us, even when we cannot see in the darkness; and even when things are at their darkest, He is warding off worse things from coming near us.

Clearly, this one is winter - it's dark, cold and apparently barren - but the trees are not really dead, they are simply dormant; and when the leaves are stripped away by the storms, you see where their true strength lies.

SEASONS OF DEFENCE AND FAVOUR

'You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.' (v. 5)

The seminar didn't cover this, but it seems to me that the psalm shows a fourth season: a time of vindication and honour. There are still enemies present (unlike in the 'rest' season, where none are in sight) - but they can't touch you in this season. It seems to be a time of blessing, abundance and protection. 

I think these are the times when God shows others that you truly are His servant, and under His care. If the other seasons occur in this life, I think it's fair to expect a few of these seasons as well.

This must be spring - not quite the full rest and plenty of summer, but the promise of new beginnings and blessing to come after the ordeal of winter. 

A YEAR WITH THE SHEPHERD

'The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want' (v. 1)

'Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life.

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.' (v. 6)

It seems to me that verses 1 and 6 bookend the psalm with the sense of God as our provider. The Shepherd is always with us, throughout all the seasons - leading us into peaceful places and causing us to rest; guiding us into fruitfulness; protecting, guiding and comforting us in darkness; protecting, providing and honouring after the darkness passes. The recurring themes are His guidance, provision and protection.

Last year was truly a 'valley of death' season for me. There were times when I wanted to die just so that the pain would stop. In the words of the Apostle Paul, I was 'under great pressure, far beyond my ability to endure, so that I despaired of life itself' (2 Cor. 1:8). (Incidentally, this blog is the only place I have publicly acknowledged a part of how bad things were - only my closest friends and family know the full truth.) There were times when I couldn't see how I was going to get through, but God never failed to guide me into the next step forward, even when it was too dark in my life to see where that step would land me.

And now, the darkness is passing - far more quickly than I had dared to hope it might! I seem to be moving into the next season. I am very, very grateful to be in a time of protection, though my 'enemy' is still lurking on the borders, and as yet, public vindication has not come - but that lies in the hands of my Shepherd.

I am grateful that times of blessing and fruitfulness lie ahead - but at the same time, I am aware that other seasons of darkness will come. They are necessary. And to be honest, that scares me quite a lot. But my Shepherd got me through this dark valley - even through the times when I didn't believe that there was a way through! - and I know that He will guide and protect me through any other valleys that lie before me.

Whatever season you may be in, gentle reader, I hope and pray that you will know and feel the comfort, guidance and protection of your Shepherd, who never, ever leaves you.

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The Sun is Shining

Well folks, the New Year is going pretty well for me! Hope it is for you, too. :)

To be begin with, I don't believe it would be true to say that I am depressed any longer. I'm aware that I'm still convalescing from that, so to speak, and I know that I'm still a little emotionally fragile. But the time of constant pain and inner turmoil is firmly in the past now. I aim to keep it there.

As for the business that triggered it - I know that I am not fully over that yet, simply because it still comes to mind quite frequently when my thoughts are not otherwise engaged; but I have made a good deal of progress with that, too. I suppose I'm 'convalescing' from that as well! But again, the time of constant pain and turmoil is in the past. I still have twinges, but the wound is healing cleanly.

Looking back, I'm amazed to see how far God has brought me in such a short time. I know that it's Him who has sustained me through this; I've felt His comfort and peace time and time again, and He has given me a strength far beyond my own. His grace and faithfulness are staggering. After 2000 years, He's still in the business of binding up broken hearts.

I think the New Year has been a helpful mental watershed. Not that there's anything mystic about the date or anything, but it makes it easier to put all that baggage in a box marked 'yesterday', to step away from it into a new 'today', and to look towards 'tomorrow' with hope.

In my 'today', I'm happy with how my novel is coming together. It's so good to feel that I am finally achieving something! I have made a plan for the work, and if I stick to it, the book should be finished by the end of the year. I'm feeling very positive and enthusiastic about it all. :)

And in my 'tomorrow' - I have tickets to see David Tennant in 'Much Ado About Nothing'! Words cannot express how chuffed I am about this, especially as it looks like I'll be able to combine it with my annual visit with my best friend and we can go and see it together.

So yes, the sun is shining for me again! The sorrow lasted through the night, but the joy came with the morning. :)

P.S. - I really have no clue what the foreign (Portuguese?) words at the end of the video mean, so I hope it's something sound! :D

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The Door of Hope

For the last two or three days, I have had a real sense of peace; the kind of peace that makes you feel that you can breathe again. All the tension goes out of you, and you just relax into it. It's like God, as your Dad, gives you a big hug that makes you feel that everything will be ok after all. I have even felt stirrings of joy again.

It came on quite suddenly. I found myself in a place of acceptance again, a place where I was able to let go of the questions that have tortured me for the last few months. What happened happened, and things are the way they are.

Sadly, part of that was having to let go of my attempts to justify or excuse the person who hurt me. That doesn't mean going to the other extreme and giving way to anger and resentment. It just means accepting things as they are. There are still unanswered questions, but I feel that I can live with them now. I feel that it's ok not to know.

All in all, I feel that God is bringing me back to the place I had reached when I came home from my time away. He is restoring my soul again. :')

Hosea 2:15 tells us that God can make the 'Valley of Achor' (Achor means trouble) into a 'door of hope'. Even in our darkest times, He can take our situation and turn it around. There is no valley too dark for God's hope and love to shine into. :)

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Just the Next Step

This song ("Watch Over Me" by Aaron Shust) pretty much sums up how I feel right now. Things are still pretty tough - but they ARE getting better, slowly but surely. Some days are still horrid, and I certainly haven't always handled things as well as I might. But some days I feel almost normal, and even sometimes fairly happy.

I am still in the dark valley, but I can see the light at the end. And most important of all, I am not alone for a single step of the way. Jesus is always with me, loving me and supporting me. Even when I can't feel it, I know He's there.

I can't see far ahead, but He gives me enough light to take the next step. Just the next step. It might be a very little step, but as long as I keep taking them, I know that one day I will reach the end of the valley; and then the world will open up before me again.


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Honesty is the Best Policy

I haven't blogged much lately. The basic reason for this is that I've been going through a particularly tough time and I wanted this blog to encourage people, not depress them! But I think I've now reached a stage where I can begin to talk about what I'm learning from this tough time. So here goes.

Recently, I have come to realise that I am teetering precariously on the brink of clinical depression. I haven't been there in 20 years, so it was a bit of a shock to find it happening again. Once I acknowledged that this was happening, I was able to think about how it came to happen...

THE STORY SO FAR
As followers of this blog will know, a little over four months ago, I had my heart broken. (I have thought in the past that I had had my heart broken, but judging from this experience, the other times must just have been nasty sprains! :'D) I was finding it very stressful to have to see the person who hurt me in this way regularly at church meetings, which in turn had an adverse effect on my M.E. (which does not respond well to stress). So as soon as I could manage it, I went away for three weeks to give myself space to recover.

The time away was a really good time with God, during which I was able to work through things in a healthy way, and I returned feeling refreshed and much stronger. So far, so good.

Where I went wrong was that I had decided that by the time I got back, I should 'be able to cope'. So when I found that it was still a great strain, I started to bottle things up again and went into a form of denial. Unsurprisingly (with hindsight!) this amplified the stress to an alarming degree, and resulted in the state in which I now find myself. (Things were not helped by the sudden death last week of someone I was once very close to.)

PHYSICAL CAUSES
Since I have acknowledged to myself where I am, I have started to improve again. I have got myself I a little book called "Coping with Anxiety and Depression", written by a Christian nurse called Shirley Trickett and published by Sheldon Press. I heartily recommend it to anyone who is going through anything similar. She explains that depression and anxiety both occur when your nervous system has had more than it can physically cope with. Then it starts to malfunction in one or both of the following ways:

Your nervous system has two parts: the 'sympathetic' nervous system and the 'parasympathetic' nervous system. The 'sympathetic' side speeds things up. It is what gives you an adrenaline kick when you face a crisis. Ms Trickett invites us to picture it as a man in red Ferrari with his foot on the accelerator! When this side goes into overdrive, it causes anxiety.

The 'parasympathetic' nervous system (which Ms. Trickett pictures as a man pootling along in a blue Morris Minor) is the side that slows things down. When this side malfunctions, it causes depression. Simple, really.

My overloaded nervous system has been swinging between the two, which is apparently not uncommon. I had anxiety for days before a meeting, and depression for days afterwards. This pretty much filled up the week! This had a very bad effect on my M.E. quite apart from the anxiety and depression in themselves.

CONCLUSIONS
As I say, once I acknowledged the problem and it's causes, I was able to begin to deal with things again, and have been starting to improve. I realise now that I had put a burden on myself that God never meant me to bear. He certainly never intended me to lie to myself, which was what caused my system to overload.

Jesus knows our human frailties; He has lived with them Himself. He doesn't require us to be 'Superpeople'. If we are struggling - yes, we are supposed to praise God in it, but nowhere does the Bible tell us to pretend that we are not struggling! The Apostle Paul acknowledges his struggles time and again, while still giving God glory in the midst of them.

The problem was never God's faithfulness. He has been staggeringly faithful through it all, including leading me to things that helped me, like Ms Trickett's book. The problem was how I handled things. It wasn't that I stopped talking to God, or even that I stopped asking Him for strength. But because I wasn't acknowledging the true state of things within myself, I wasn't able to receive all the help and strength that He wanted to give me.

So if anyone else is in a similar situation, I urge you to acknowledge this to yourself! You cannot receive the fulness of the help God wants to give you until you do. Honesty really is the best policy.

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A Knight's Tale

Once I built a Castle.
My steed was swift,
And my Sword was bright.
I rode to Adventure and Battle;
I rode for Honour and Valour;
I rode for the Joy of One who called me…

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

It has been a long ride…

I have seen many Battles and many Adventures;
And I have met many bandits and wild beasts.
Some have robbed me, and some wounded me;
My Sword has been notched,
And my Castle broken…

But always I have honed the blade and rebuilt;
I have bound up my wounds and ridden onwards,
Scarred but not consumed…

The One who called me led me on;
And in time, I came to a Valley of Peace.
I rested by the still waters, and was content.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I met a fellow knight.
A white knight with a good heart.
I admired his courage and his gentleness.
I admired his strength in the One who called us.
It seemed that we would ride together…

We would share our Adventures;
We would face our Battles side by side.
We would build our Castle,
Shining and bright and set upon a hill…

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

But the knight was… of many colours;
And he has burnt my Castle.

The splendour of Carmel and Sharon have been taken from me,
And I have met lions in the Way…

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I step away from the smouldering ruins.
I set my face to the Sunrise.
For the One who called me calls still…

He steadies my weak knees;
He lifts my feeble hands.
His strength fills my fearful heart, for He comes to save me.

He is the River in my desert;
The parched land will bloom again.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I will take up my Sword once more,
And don my armour.
I will still ride for Honour and Valour.
I will be the White Knight.

I will ride again to Adventure and Battle;
Faith is my shield and Joy is my steed.
For the One who calls me is Truth,
And He sets me free from the ruined castle.

He will build my Castle again;
The foundations shall be of sapphires,
And the pinnacles of rubies.
I will enter Zion with singing;
Gladness and Joy will overtake me,
And sorrow and sighing will flee away…

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I am the Castle,
Lashed by storms yet comforted;
Anyone who attacks will surrender to me.

I am the Sword,
Forged from disaster to be fit for my work;
No other weapon will prevail against me.

I become the White Knight.

He my Master Builder;
He is my Blacksmith and Hammer and Fire;
He is my Armour and Honour and Valour;
He is my Comfort and my Vindication.

He calls…

And I will follow.

© Ruth Fanshaw 2010
(Composed Saturday 10th July 2010)

**NOTE: I do not own the pictures in this post