The Sun is Shining

Well folks, the New Year is going pretty well for me! Hope it is for you, too. :)

To be begin with, I don't believe it would be true to say that I am depressed any longer. I'm aware that I'm still convalescing from that, so to speak, and I know that I'm still a little emotionally fragile. But the time of constant pain and inner turmoil is firmly in the past now. I aim to keep it there.

As for the business that triggered it - I know that I am not fully over that yet, simply because it still comes to mind quite frequently when my thoughts are not otherwise engaged; but I have made a good deal of progress with that, too. I suppose I'm 'convalescing' from that as well! But again, the time of constant pain and turmoil is in the past. I still have twinges, but the wound is healing cleanly.

Looking back, I'm amazed to see how far God has brought me in such a short time. I know that it's Him who has sustained me through this; I've felt His comfort and peace time and time again, and He has given me a strength far beyond my own. His grace and faithfulness are staggering. After 2000 years, He's still in the business of binding up broken hearts.

I think the New Year has been a helpful mental watershed. Not that there's anything mystic about the date or anything, but it makes it easier to put all that baggage in a box marked 'yesterday', to step away from it into a new 'today', and to look towards 'tomorrow' with hope.

In my 'today', I'm happy with how my novel is coming together. It's so good to feel that I am finally achieving something! I have made a plan for the work, and if I stick to it, the book should be finished by the end of the year. I'm feeling very positive and enthusiastic about it all. :)

And in my 'tomorrow' - I have tickets to see David Tennant in 'Much Ado About Nothing'! Words cannot express how chuffed I am about this, especially as it looks like I'll be able to combine it with my annual visit with my best friend and we can go and see it together.

So yes, the sun is shining for me again! The sorrow lasted through the night, but the joy came with the morning. :)

P.S. - I really have no clue what the foreign (Portuguese?) words at the end of the video mean, so I hope it's something sound! :D

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Feeling Good

The week between Christmas Day and New Year's Day always feels oddly liminal to me. It doesn't feel like part of the old year, and yet it is not part of the year to come, either. This used to be a vague niggle for me, but I find it quite relaxing now. A good time to pause, catch one's breath and take stock, methinks! :)

This year, I'm not making New Year's Resolutions. Instead, I'm thinking in terms of a list of things that I would like to have achieved by this time next year. Goals, rather than 'resolutions'. The word resolution, whilst quite bracing in it's own way, also feels a little daunting. Goals seem a much friendlier concept! :D

Last month, a friend blogged on the subject of having a 'bucket list' - a list of things you want to do or achieve before you 'kick the bucket'. I've been thinking about this quite a lot, and it has impacted on my 2011 goals, which include the following:

THIS TIME NEXT YEAR:
- I want to feel fully myself again, healed up from the crap brought to me by 2010
- I want to have completed my self-help book for people experiencing similar crap
- I want to have made a good, solid chunk of progress on my novel
- I want to have built my health up and feel noticeably stronger than I do now
- I want to have managed my finances into a more stable position

It's a deliberately short list, and a deliberately achievable list. (I'm well on the way to the first item already.) It's even deliberately vague in places! For me, it's all about making progress. As long as I feel that I have made significant progress in those areas, I shall consider it a success.

I have purposely set goals which make me feel energised and enthusiastic, not ones which make me feel threatened or pressured. Goals that I really feel that I shall be able to accomplish. And of course, one can always reassess goals as one goes along. They aren't carved in stone.

2010 has been, as her majesty the Queen once put it, an 'annus horriblis'. But 2011 still lies before me. And I am going to do my best to make it a very good year.

Life will always have challenges and problems, but if God could get me through this year - one of the hardest of my life, if not the hardest - then He can certainly get me through anything else that life throws at me. I am feeling hopeful and positive about the year to come.

I feel that a new chapter is opening in my life. And I'm feeling good. :)

The Door of Hope

For the last two or three days, I have had a real sense of peace; the kind of peace that makes you feel that you can breathe again. All the tension goes out of you, and you just relax into it. It's like God, as your Dad, gives you a big hug that makes you feel that everything will be ok after all. I have even felt stirrings of joy again.

It came on quite suddenly. I found myself in a place of acceptance again, a place where I was able to let go of the questions that have tortured me for the last few months. What happened happened, and things are the way they are.

Sadly, part of that was having to let go of my attempts to justify or excuse the person who hurt me. That doesn't mean going to the other extreme and giving way to anger and resentment. It just means accepting things as they are. There are still unanswered questions, but I feel that I can live with them now. I feel that it's ok not to know.

All in all, I feel that God is bringing me back to the place I had reached when I came home from my time away. He is restoring my soul again. :')

Hosea 2:15 tells us that God can make the 'Valley of Achor' (Achor means trouble) into a 'door of hope'. Even in our darkest times, He can take our situation and turn it around. There is no valley too dark for God's hope and love to shine into. :)

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A Knight's Tale

Once I built a Castle.
My steed was swift,
And my Sword was bright.
I rode to Adventure and Battle;
I rode for Honour and Valour;
I rode for the Joy of One who called me…

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

It has been a long ride…

I have seen many Battles and many Adventures;
And I have met many bandits and wild beasts.
Some have robbed me, and some wounded me;
My Sword has been notched,
And my Castle broken…

But always I have honed the blade and rebuilt;
I have bound up my wounds and ridden onwards,
Scarred but not consumed…

The One who called me led me on;
And in time, I came to a Valley of Peace.
I rested by the still waters, and was content.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I met a fellow knight.
A white knight with a good heart.
I admired his courage and his gentleness.
I admired his strength in the One who called us.
It seemed that we would ride together…

We would share our Adventures;
We would face our Battles side by side.
We would build our Castle,
Shining and bright and set upon a hill…

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

But the knight was… of many colours;
And he has burnt my Castle.

The splendour of Carmel and Sharon have been taken from me,
And I have met lions in the Way…

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I step away from the smouldering ruins.
I set my face to the Sunrise.
For the One who called me calls still…

He steadies my weak knees;
He lifts my feeble hands.
His strength fills my fearful heart, for He comes to save me.

He is the River in my desert;
The parched land will bloom again.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I will take up my Sword once more,
And don my armour.
I will still ride for Honour and Valour.
I will be the White Knight.

I will ride again to Adventure and Battle;
Faith is my shield and Joy is my steed.
For the One who calls me is Truth,
And He sets me free from the ruined castle.

He will build my Castle again;
The foundations shall be of sapphires,
And the pinnacles of rubies.
I will enter Zion with singing;
Gladness and Joy will overtake me,
And sorrow and sighing will flee away…

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I am the Castle,
Lashed by storms yet comforted;
Anyone who attacks will surrender to me.

I am the Sword,
Forged from disaster to be fit for my work;
No other weapon will prevail against me.

I become the White Knight.

He my Master Builder;
He is my Blacksmith and Hammer and Fire;
He is my Armour and Honour and Valour;
He is my Comfort and my Vindication.

He calls…

And I will follow.

© Ruth Fanshaw 2010
(Composed Saturday 10th July 2010)

**NOTE: I do not own the pictures in this post

My So-Faithful God! :')

Well, God has surpassed Himself tonight. Talk about His grace being sufficient! He has ministered to me so much; He has even spoken to me through the actual pain itself! A lot of it is very personal, so I'm gonna have to have a think and pray about how much of it is appropriate to share here...

For now, suffice to say that He gave me a strength so far beyond my own that it was staggering. And that He has reassured me of His comfort and presence and love and PURPOSE in all of this. I do believe that this pain will bear fruit for the Kingdom and cause others to be spared such pain, and that I can leave a legacy to go on doing this even after I am dead. That is pretty flippin' amazing.

The other thing is that when we go through this kind of stuff, we have the privilege of sharing a little in His sufferings. Phil. 3:10: "I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the sharing of His sufferings by becoming like Him in His death..." When we surrender our will to God's will, even if it means accepting pain, we become a little more 'like Him in His death'. And this leads to knowing Him in a deeper way; a fuller intimacy with Him.

"No matter what circumstances come our way - God's grace is sufficient, and He has a purpose for your life... The joy of the Purpose is greater than anything else. God has a plan for you. Move. Stand. Don't compromise." - Nick Vujicic
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Made Again :')

I would never have believed that this could be true for me at such a time in my life... I'm not trying to pretend that I don't have very difficult moments, when the pain becomes very intense - but God always lifts me up again, always sends me something that helps...

So yes, I have been here SO many times before in my life that it's unreal, and this should have been the worst of the lot, but I do see things differently this time because of what God is doing in me...

I do see the beauty in the world, and also in myself... The first couple of days after the Very Horrible Thing happened, whenever I caught sight of myself in a mirror my own eyes scared me, but now I can look at myself and my eyes do look clear and shining and even joyful...

And after the black moments, when God lifts me up again, it IS like waking up from a bad dream to find that the world is wonderful again after all...

Only Jesus can do this!! :')