My Face

Ok, so here's my twopenn'orth on the no-make-up-selfie debate.

Some people feel that it has nothing to do with cancer or cancer awareness and is therefore pointless. As far as that goes, I think it makes as much sense as the thing about the colour of your underwear a few years ago. And to be fair, it does at least seem to have got people talking about the subject of cancer. Many people are donating to cancer charities and posting useful cancer information as well.

Apparently, the thing actually started as a campaign for women to be sponsored to go out in public without make-up. It's certainly easier to see the sense of that - although, as I say, I can see that good things have come from the facebook trend as well.

So my general verdict is that it's something that is doing some good, both in raising awareness and in raising funds to help finally beat cancer.

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But you know what strikes me most about the actual phenomenon as it appears on Facebook?

We are seeing women's faces. Their actual, real faces. And I think that that in itself is a very positive thing.

Practically every single ad break on TV contains at least one advert telling women that they need to change something about their appearance - often several of the beastly things. The world has sold us the lie that we need to cover our faces with paint in order to be acceptable. It has stolen our self respect, and sold it back to us at the price of cosmetics. And hair products. And anti-wrinkle creams. And goodness knows what else!

But now, we are seeing women's faces. Real, human faces. And I love it. 

What troubles me is that in almost all the ones I've seen, the lady in question has felt it necessary to apologise for her face in some way. Or to add a derogatory description of herself in the picture - some kind of put-down against herself.

I can understand this - it has taken me 41 years to learn to love my own face. But now, finally, I do. I love my own face, because it IS my face. 

MY face. 

It doesn't have to conform to any of the bizarre and unrealistic expectations placed upon it by the world. It is MY FACE, and I have decided that I like it.

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Ladies - you do NOT have to apologise for your face! It is NOT "hideous". It will NOT "break anybody's computer". It will NOT "traumatise" anybody.

It is YOUR FACE. A real, human face. It does not need to be covered up with paint in order to be acceptable. It does not need to look like anybody else's face, and it certainly doesn't need to look like the photoshopped pictures in magazines and on adverts!

It does not need anything added or taken away. It is YOUR FACE.

We are all on a journey about these things, and I hope anyone who reads this will understand that I respect wherever you may be on that journey. As I say, it's taken me 41 years to get this far! And I'm not all the way there yet.

But I do urge you all to think about this stuff - about why you felt the need to apologise for your face (if you did so). About why you feel that your own face, just as it is, is not something the world should see.

I would also urge you to turn the sound off and go make a cup of tea when the ad breaks come on.

And thank you - each and every one of you - for 

letting us see your real, human face!

Butterfly Effects

For some time now, I've felt that God has been speaking to me through the metaphor of a butterfly. In fact, so far it's become three distinct metaphors. Allow me to explain.

THE BUTTERFLY OF FUN

I was first introduced to the idea when a very good friend said she felt that a song about a butterfly was meant for me. She even sent me a recording of the song. Here are the lyrics, which I believe to be the work of a lady called Laila Bevan:

Feels like I'm flying like a butterfly

Over the oceans and across the sky

Feels like I'm flying like a butterfly

No mountain is too high

No valley is too deep

My Jesus gave me wings

So I could fly

Now, I admit that to be begin with I didn't quite 'get' this. I mean, the image of an eagle soaring - that I can understand: an image of purpose and destiny. But a butterfly? It seemed to me that all butterflies do is muck about. They flit hither and yon, with no apparent navigational skills whatsoever, pausing from time to time to drink from a flower or two. 

And then I thought: maybe that's the point. Maybe I'm supposed to relax and enjoy the scenery. It's good to enjoy the journey, and from time to time, to stop on a flower and drink in the blessings.

THE BUTTERFLY OF CHANGE

The image was next brought to me through a prophecy. It was a prophecy given to me personally, during my time away last August. The person who gave it had no idea of my circumstances, and certainly no idea that God had spoken to me through butterflies in the past.

As this person was praying for me, he had a mental picture of a butterfly, which he said had beautiful iridescent wings. He said that I may feel sometimes that I'm a caterpillar, but that beauty is inside me - that I have within me the potential of a butterfly.

Now, a caterpillar's transformation into a butterfly is not an easy thing for the caterpillar. Inside its pupa, it gets melted down, and is then remade as the butterfly. And I certainly feel that I have been in state of meltdown recently, but I think I'm just starting to solidify again.

Then, the new butterfly has to fight its way out of the pupa. And no one can do that for the butterfly, because it needs that struggle to strengthen its wings. If it doesn't go through that struggle, it won't be able to fly afterwards.

Another good friend pointed out this last part to me when I told her about it. She even gave me a beautiful necklace: a butterfly with iridescent wings.

THE BUTTERFLY OF STORMS

This third metaphor only came to me recently, while I was reading "Interesting Times" by Terry Pratchett. In his wonderful creation the Discworld, there exists a creature called the Quantum Weather Butterfly (or 'Papilio Tempestae'). Its most outstanding feature, he tells us, is its ability to create weather.

This is, of course, a joke on the famous 'butterfly effect' of Chaos Theory. The image is used to illustrate how tiny and apparently insignificant things can end up being significant after all, because they influence other things, which then influence more things, and so on. For example: a butterfly flapping its wings in Africa could theoretically cause a tornado in Texas, because it moved some air particles, which then moved some other air particles, which moved some more air particles... you get the idea. And who knows where it will all end?

The point is this: small actions can have a knock-on effect that leads to large consequences. Small actions matter. 

And I may be only a tiny butterfly, but when I flap my wings, I can begin to change things. When I reach out to people, when I try to help, when I spread hope - I'm moving some air around. And the people I helped can help others, who can help more people, and so on. Like the ripples when a stone is thrown into a pool, the circle of consequence grows far beyond the original event. It's about paying it forward. 

A small act of love has more power to change the world than we can possibly imagine.

AND SO, DEAR READERS...

Be a Butterfly of Fun! 

- Relax, enjoy the ride, drink in the blessings.

Be a Butterfly of Change! 

- Allow God to transform you, strengthen those iridescent wings and fly!

Be a Butterfly of Storms! 

- Flap those beautiful wings and spread currents of hope.

40 Things I Have Come to Realise

This is doing the rounds on Facebook at the moment. You're supposed to put it in your notes and tag people you think might like to fill one out as well. Anyway, thought I'd share my life wisdom a bit farther abroad! :D

1. I have come to realise that life is complicated, and often messy. REALLY messy.
2. I have come to realise that God is bigger than my pain.
3. I have come to realise that life has times and seasons.
4. I have come to realise that Jesus is always with me, whatever season I am in.
5. I have come to realise that Grace is bigger than we can really take in.
6. I have come to realise that there is always more to learn, and you can learn something from everyone.
7. I have come to realise that God has a Purpose for my life - and everyone else's! - and the joy of that Purpose is greater than anything else. :')
8. I have come to realise that Pizza makes all things good. :)
9. I have come to realise that tea offers a moment of transcendence. Tea is a gift from our Creator! :D
10. I have come to realise that the darkness will pass. Always.
11. I have come to realise that it's good to be an Aunty! :)
12. I have come to realise that it's ok to be single. :) And I'm happy to stay that way for the foreseeable future. :)
13. I have come to realise that heroes are... shall we say, rarer in real life than in fiction? :S
14. I have come to realise that I have a pastoral and teaching gift.
15. I have come to realise that you can do the work of a pastor without having a title - or a salary! :D
16. I have come to realise that I have gained a certain amount of skill as a writer over the years.
17. I have come to realise that I can actually ACHIEVE stuff!
18. I have come to realise that my health will probably always be a problem to some extent.
19. I have come to realise that I would very much like to live in Cornwall. :)
20. I have come to realise that I'm the kind of person who needs to plan in order to get things done.
21. I have come to realise that I like to wear my hair short. :)
22. I have come to realise that I am a very odd person. And that works for me! :)
23. I have come to realise that it is good to be yourself, and that I don't want to be anybody else. :)
24. I have come to realise that there are very few places where I really feel that I belong.
25. I have come to realise that hormones are a pain in the butt. >P
26. I have come to realise that life is a journey.
27. I have come to realise that Literature is wonderful thing. :)
28. I have come to realise that I love writing. Seriously, love it.
29. I have come to realise that music, trees and the ocean feed my soul.
30. I have come to realise that Evony will eat your life if you let it! :D
31. I have come to realise that sometimes life is not fair. It ought to be, but it is not.
32. I have come to realise that not all Christians have well thought out ethics.
33. I have come to realise that on most subjects, disagreement is absolutely fine. :)
34. I have come to realise that I don't have to be good at everything.
35. I have come to realise that I should not allow myself to be used.
36. I have come to realise that gender equality is a Biblical concept.
37. I have come to realise that healing takes time. And lots of it.
38. I have come to realise that I should cut myself the same slack that I cut for others.
39. I have come to realise that even with all the times of pain and darkness, it's still a beautiful world. :')
40. I have come to realise that weeping may last through the night, but joy comes in the morning. It really does! :')

Seasons

At the Keswick Convention 2009, I attended a seminar which gave me a new take on Psalm 23 - that the psalm shows the seasons of life, and that understanding what season you're in helps you to get the most out of life. I have found this line of thought very helpful, and it forms the basis for this blog post.

SEASONS OF PEACE AND PLENTY

'He makes me lie down in green pastures;

He leads me beside quiet waters;

He restores my soul.' (vv. 2-3a)

If you're wondering what happened to verse one - bear with me, all will be revealed!

Anyway, these are the times when we get built up, healed and restored; the times of rest and refreshing. It's interesting that this is the season that comes first. This may be the same principle as that of Genesis 1, when God created humans on the last day of the week and then gave them a day off! We are to work from rest, rather than rest from work.

(Some people teach that this is the only season we should expect. In my last post, I explained why I don't agree with that view.)

It occurs to me that this 'season' equates quite well to summer - a time when everything is lush and green - a time of 'holiday'.

SEASONS OF BLESSING AND BREAKTHROUGH

'He guides me in paths of righteousness

For His name's sake.' (v. 3b)

The seminar suggested that these are the seasons when we give out, in service and ministry. These are times of fruitfulness, breakthrough and fulfilment; the times when we are really moving in our giftings, and perhaps discovering new ones. Notice that the shepherd is still with us, guiding us into the paths He wants us to take.

This season, then, would be autumn - a time labour and of fruitfulness. This is a time when we can truly bring glory to God.

SEASONS OF DARKNESS AND DANGER

'Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil, for You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.' v. 4

These are the dark times, when it's hard to see ahead. These are the times when we have more questions than answers, and it can be difficult to see what God is doing; the times when we may feel that God is distant, or has forgotten about us altogether - perhaps even that He is punishing us in some way. (He is not, incidentally! There are times when He needs to discipline us, but punishment is a different thing, altogether.)

Obviously, this is the worst season to be in, and no one looks forward to it. The fact that God allows such seasons means that they are necessary, and in my last post, I talked about some of the things that He may be accomplishing through these times.

And again, I have to say that the key to surviving these seasons is that He is with us! We may feel that He is distant, but He is not; He is closer than ever, feeling every second of our pain with us, suffering with us. The care of the Shepherd - His 'rod and staff' - are still there for us, right in the middle of the dark valley. That is why we do not need to fear, even at the worst of times. 

As I understand it, the 'staff' would be the shepherd's crook, to guide the sheep; but the 'rod' is the shepherd's weapon, to protect the sheep. He will guide us, even when we cannot see in the darkness; and even when things are at their darkest, He is warding off worse things from coming near us.

Clearly, this one is winter - it's dark, cold and apparently barren - but the trees are not really dead, they are simply dormant; and when the leaves are stripped away by the storms, you see where their true strength lies.

SEASONS OF DEFENCE AND FAVOUR

'You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.' (v. 5)

The seminar didn't cover this, but it seems to me that the psalm shows a fourth season: a time of vindication and honour. There are still enemies present (unlike in the 'rest' season, where none are in sight) - but they can't touch you in this season. It seems to be a time of blessing, abundance and protection. 

I think these are the times when God shows others that you truly are His servant, and under His care. If the other seasons occur in this life, I think it's fair to expect a few of these seasons as well.

This must be spring - not quite the full rest and plenty of summer, but the promise of new beginnings and blessing to come after the ordeal of winter. 

A YEAR WITH THE SHEPHERD

'The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want' (v. 1)

'Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life.

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.' (v. 6)

It seems to me that verses 1 and 6 bookend the psalm with the sense of God as our provider. The Shepherd is always with us, throughout all the seasons - leading us into peaceful places and causing us to rest; guiding us into fruitfulness; protecting, guiding and comforting us in darkness; protecting, providing and honouring after the darkness passes. The recurring themes are His guidance, provision and protection.

Last year was truly a 'valley of death' season for me. There were times when I wanted to die just so that the pain would stop. In the words of the Apostle Paul, I was 'under great pressure, far beyond my ability to endure, so that I despaired of life itself' (2 Cor. 1:8). (Incidentally, this blog is the only place I have publicly acknowledged a part of how bad things were - only my closest friends and family know the full truth.) There were times when I couldn't see how I was going to get through, but God never failed to guide me into the next step forward, even when it was too dark in my life to see where that step would land me.

And now, the darkness is passing - far more quickly than I had dared to hope it might! I seem to be moving into the next season. I am very, very grateful to be in a time of protection, though my 'enemy' is still lurking on the borders, and as yet, public vindication has not come - but that lies in the hands of my Shepherd.

I am grateful that times of blessing and fruitfulness lie ahead - but at the same time, I am aware that other seasons of darkness will come. They are necessary. And to be honest, that scares me quite a lot. But my Shepherd got me through this dark valley - even through the times when I didn't believe that there was a way through! - and I know that He will guide and protect me through any other valleys that lie before me.

Whatever season you may be in, gentle reader, I hope and pray that you will know and feel the comfort, guidance and protection of your Shepherd, who never, ever leaves you.

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Just the Next Step

This song ("Watch Over Me" by Aaron Shust) pretty much sums up how I feel right now. Things are still pretty tough - but they ARE getting better, slowly but surely. Some days are still horrid, and I certainly haven't always handled things as well as I might. But some days I feel almost normal, and even sometimes fairly happy.

I am still in the dark valley, but I can see the light at the end. And most important of all, I am not alone for a single step of the way. Jesus is always with me, loving me and supporting me. Even when I can't feel it, I know He's there.

I can't see far ahead, but He gives me enough light to take the next step. Just the next step. It might be a very little step, but as long as I keep taking them, I know that one day I will reach the end of the valley; and then the world will open up before me again.


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More on God's Faithfulness...

I feel that tonight was a bit of milestone. Certainly, it was another outstanding example of God's faithfulness...

It was rather like the last Sunday night that I wrote about (see post "My So-Faithful God"), but even more so. His strength in me came through even stronger, and what, in the natural way of things, should have been an ordeal (it was last week! :S) was miraculously transformed into a peaceful victory - not over a person, you understand, but over circumstances and my own sinful nature.

I felt able to be natural and be myself for most of the evening, and to simply throw myself into the worship and enjoy it without many painful twinges... but it went beyond that. I had been praying that God would help me love "in a Jesus-y way" the person who hurt me and did not do right by me; and tonight, He really helped me to take a significant step along that road. I was able to make a gesture to show that I wasn't harbouring a grudge and that I still wished him well. It was only a small gesture, but it was a start! You might say it was one small step in the natural realm, but a giant leap forward in my walk with God! :'D

I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this is God at work in me and not 'my own power or goodness'. I know this because of all the times I have failed to do this in my past, including last week! And now I feel quiet and at peace inside, and I know that this, too, is God. Whatever other people may do to let us down or mess us about, He never does. He is always faithful and constant and utterly reliable. And He can bring out this aspect of His character in us (like all the other aspects) more and more as we walk with Him.

I've also been thinking about all the mercy I have received from God, and I want to be able to extend that to this person as well; I don't want to be like the servant in the parable who was cleared of a huge debt and then went and punished his fellow servant because he owed him a fiver. And again, I know absolutely that it is God who is giving me the strength to start along this path; and His grace is sufficient to keep me on it.

I am also very grateful that God is providing a few weeks of respite for me soon; I shall shortly be going on holiday for 3 weeks - the longest holiday of my life! - and the way the opportunities have all come together so quickly has God's goodness written all over it. The very fact that I can afford it is a small miracle in itself! :D

So basically, I am resting in the love and comfort of my Father, and am immensely grateful for His utterly consistent and amazingly generous goodness to me. :')

Life is a Journey

Blimey - I'm blogging! :D

Never blogged before... this is all very new...

To be honest, I've always thought of blogging as just a little self-indulgent... so I guess I'm feeling self-indulgent right now! :D

This is not a particularly easy time in my life... not just because of my illness, there are other factors, which I may go into a little at some point...

I decided a while ago that 'Happy Odd Girl' summed me up pretty well. Right now, 'happy' is perhaps not too accurate an adjective for me... I think perhaps this blog may turn into the story of how I return to that state. However, if it makes anyone feel any better, I'm quite definitely still odd! :D
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