Make It Matter

This weekend, I went to a women's conference with a very good friend. It was a bit of a blur at the time, especially as I was rather unwell, but I think the dust is beginning to settle now, and as I read through my notes, I find a few things standing out to me.

One biggie is the theme of change - of God initiating a 'new thing', a new season in life. This fitted in with other stuff I believe God has been saying to me lately, much of which I've written about in this blog.

Then there was the concept of the difficult times and the pain bearing fruit and helping others. Again, this followed hard on the heels of what I believe God has already spoken to me, and served as an encouragement and a confirmation. One of the speakers even mentioned 'spiritual children' and helping those who would come after us: in other words, leaving a legacy that can go on helping people even after we're dead.

There were several mentions of recurring problems - of seeming to go round in circles, feeling we'll never reach the point of breakthrough that others around us reach. This may not sound very positive, but it spoke to me strongly. And the points they made in relation to it were very positive: 

• That we need to work through things in order to become the person God created us to be and do the things He has for us to do; 
• That God does have a plan that He's working out, even when we can't see what He's doing; 
• That He is working on our behalf 'beneath the surface' of our lives to bring that plan about, even when we can't see any indication of change.

The main concrete thing that I've brought away from all this is a renewed sense of purpose about writing my self-help book. (I've mentioned this project a few times in this blog.) I feel encouraged that this really is something that God wants me to do, and that it really will help people in their individual lives - and thus contribute to building the Kingdom. Even if I can only do a small thing, God can use that thing to make a difference in the world. 

40 Things I Have Come to Realise

This is doing the rounds on Facebook at the moment. You're supposed to put it in your notes and tag people you think might like to fill one out as well. Anyway, thought I'd share my life wisdom a bit farther abroad! :D

1. I have come to realise that life is complicated, and often messy. REALLY messy.
2. I have come to realise that God is bigger than my pain.
3. I have come to realise that life has times and seasons.
4. I have come to realise that Jesus is always with me, whatever season I am in.
5. I have come to realise that Grace is bigger than we can really take in.
6. I have come to realise that there is always more to learn, and you can learn something from everyone.
7. I have come to realise that God has a Purpose for my life - and everyone else's! - and the joy of that Purpose is greater than anything else. :')
8. I have come to realise that Pizza makes all things good. :)
9. I have come to realise that tea offers a moment of transcendence. Tea is a gift from our Creator! :D
10. I have come to realise that the darkness will pass. Always.
11. I have come to realise that it's good to be an Aunty! :)
12. I have come to realise that it's ok to be single. :) And I'm happy to stay that way for the foreseeable future. :)
13. I have come to realise that heroes are... shall we say, rarer in real life than in fiction? :S
14. I have come to realise that I have a pastoral and teaching gift.
15. I have come to realise that you can do the work of a pastor without having a title - or a salary! :D
16. I have come to realise that I have gained a certain amount of skill as a writer over the years.
17. I have come to realise that I can actually ACHIEVE stuff!
18. I have come to realise that my health will probably always be a problem to some extent.
19. I have come to realise that I would very much like to live in Cornwall. :)
20. I have come to realise that I'm the kind of person who needs to plan in order to get things done.
21. I have come to realise that I like to wear my hair short. :)
22. I have come to realise that I am a very odd person. And that works for me! :)
23. I have come to realise that it is good to be yourself, and that I don't want to be anybody else. :)
24. I have come to realise that there are very few places where I really feel that I belong.
25. I have come to realise that hormones are a pain in the butt. >P
26. I have come to realise that life is a journey.
27. I have come to realise that Literature is wonderful thing. :)
28. I have come to realise that I love writing. Seriously, love it.
29. I have come to realise that music, trees and the ocean feed my soul.
30. I have come to realise that Evony will eat your life if you let it! :D
31. I have come to realise that sometimes life is not fair. It ought to be, but it is not.
32. I have come to realise that not all Christians have well thought out ethics.
33. I have come to realise that on most subjects, disagreement is absolutely fine. :)
34. I have come to realise that I don't have to be good at everything.
35. I have come to realise that I should not allow myself to be used.
36. I have come to realise that gender equality is a Biblical concept.
37. I have come to realise that healing takes time. And lots of it.
38. I have come to realise that I should cut myself the same slack that I cut for others.
39. I have come to realise that even with all the times of pain and darkness, it's still a beautiful world. :')
40. I have come to realise that weeping may last through the night, but joy comes in the morning. It really does! :')

The Sun is Shining

Well folks, the New Year is going pretty well for me! Hope it is for you, too. :)

To be begin with, I don't believe it would be true to say that I am depressed any longer. I'm aware that I'm still convalescing from that, so to speak, and I know that I'm still a little emotionally fragile. But the time of constant pain and inner turmoil is firmly in the past now. I aim to keep it there.

As for the business that triggered it - I know that I am not fully over that yet, simply because it still comes to mind quite frequently when my thoughts are not otherwise engaged; but I have made a good deal of progress with that, too. I suppose I'm 'convalescing' from that as well! But again, the time of constant pain and turmoil is in the past. I still have twinges, but the wound is healing cleanly.

Looking back, I'm amazed to see how far God has brought me in such a short time. I know that it's Him who has sustained me through this; I've felt His comfort and peace time and time again, and He has given me a strength far beyond my own. His grace and faithfulness are staggering. After 2000 years, He's still in the business of binding up broken hearts.

I think the New Year has been a helpful mental watershed. Not that there's anything mystic about the date or anything, but it makes it easier to put all that baggage in a box marked 'yesterday', to step away from it into a new 'today', and to look towards 'tomorrow' with hope.

In my 'today', I'm happy with how my novel is coming together. It's so good to feel that I am finally achieving something! I have made a plan for the work, and if I stick to it, the book should be finished by the end of the year. I'm feeling very positive and enthusiastic about it all. :)

And in my 'tomorrow' - I have tickets to see David Tennant in 'Much Ado About Nothing'! Words cannot express how chuffed I am about this, especially as it looks like I'll be able to combine it with my annual visit with my best friend and we can go and see it together.

So yes, the sun is shining for me again! The sorrow lasted through the night, but the joy came with the morning. :)

P.S. - I really have no clue what the foreign (Portuguese?) words at the end of the video mean, so I hope it's something sound! :D

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Heroes

A little while ago, a friend and I had a discussion on Facebook about heroes. She said that women want heroes, and I immediately envisioned a scenario in which all I got to do was twiddle my thumbs in a tower somewhere until rescued. This is not my idea of a good time.

But recently I have been looking into and thinking about the role of heroes in fiction, and I have reached a conclusion: if I am ever to marry - yes, I do want a hero.

In fiction, a hero is someone who may well have faults, issues and short comings - even 'inner demons' - but who addresses these issues over the course of the story. They face the fact that they have these problems, gradually get a handle on them, and then use this new strength to deal with whatever problem they are faced with. This is what makes them a hero. It's called 'character arc'.

In real life, we fall in love with someone, and then we find that he has faults, issues, short comings - perhaps even 'inner demons'. And we wait for him to begin to address these problems. If he does this - though of course it won't be as neat and perfect as in a story - he not only retains our respect, but gains more of our respect than he had before. He becomes a hero in our eyes.

In the past, I seem to have often (though not always) fallen for guys who had no apparent wish to become heroes. I shall be on my guard for this in future. That's one of the things that has clarified for me through this line of thought.

But more important even than that - it has strengthened my resolve to be the hero of my own story.


Let's face it - for Christians, this 'character arc' stuff is where we live; or should be. There will always be things in our lives that need to be dealt with. It is the Holy Spirit who changes us; who causes fruit to grow in our lives (Gal. 5:22-26). But we have to co-operate with Him. We need to address the issues, and be willing to change. We must make the decision to 'crucify' the sinful nature, and to go with the new nature instead.

We should expect this of ourselves. We should also (single people, I mean!) expect it of anyone to whom we feel romantically drawn. We should not expect perfection, either of them or of ourselves; but we should expect a willingness to be made more like Jesus. Of both.

In conclusion, then - gentlemen: Please man up! Be willing to become a hero.

And ladies: Let's woman up! We can be heroes, too. :)

The video below is mostly included just for a laugh (and for the presence of David Tennant!) but I guess the lyrics, if taken figuratively, are broadly true. :)

Feeling Good

The week between Christmas Day and New Year's Day always feels oddly liminal to me. It doesn't feel like part of the old year, and yet it is not part of the year to come, either. This used to be a vague niggle for me, but I find it quite relaxing now. A good time to pause, catch one's breath and take stock, methinks! :)

This year, I'm not making New Year's Resolutions. Instead, I'm thinking in terms of a list of things that I would like to have achieved by this time next year. Goals, rather than 'resolutions'. The word resolution, whilst quite bracing in it's own way, also feels a little daunting. Goals seem a much friendlier concept! :D

Last month, a friend blogged on the subject of having a 'bucket list' - a list of things you want to do or achieve before you 'kick the bucket'. I've been thinking about this quite a lot, and it has impacted on my 2011 goals, which include the following:

THIS TIME NEXT YEAR:
- I want to feel fully myself again, healed up from the crap brought to me by 2010
- I want to have completed my self-help book for people experiencing similar crap
- I want to have made a good, solid chunk of progress on my novel
- I want to have built my health up and feel noticeably stronger than I do now
- I want to have managed my finances into a more stable position

It's a deliberately short list, and a deliberately achievable list. (I'm well on the way to the first item already.) It's even deliberately vague in places! For me, it's all about making progress. As long as I feel that I have made significant progress in those areas, I shall consider it a success.

I have purposely set goals which make me feel energised and enthusiastic, not ones which make me feel threatened or pressured. Goals that I really feel that I shall be able to accomplish. And of course, one can always reassess goals as one goes along. They aren't carved in stone.

2010 has been, as her majesty the Queen once put it, an 'annus horriblis'. But 2011 still lies before me. And I am going to do my best to make it a very good year.

Life will always have challenges and problems, but if God could get me through this year - one of the hardest of my life, if not the hardest - then He can certainly get me through anything else that life throws at me. I am feeling hopeful and positive about the year to come.

I feel that a new chapter is opening in my life. And I'm feeling good. :)

Being Human

' "What," men have asked distractedly from the beginning of time, "what on earth do women want?" I do not know that women, as women, want anything in particular, but as human beings they want, my good men, exactly what you want yourselves: interesting occupation, reasonable freedom for their pleasures, and a sufficient emotional outlet. What form the occupation, the pleasures and the emotion may take, depends entirely upon the individual. You know that this is so with yourselves - why will you not believe that it is so with us...

"Accepted as a human being!" - yes; not as an inferior class and not, I beg and pray all feminists, as a superior class - not in fact, as a class at all, except in a useful context...'

- from the essay "Are Women Human?" in "Unpopular Opinions" by Dorothy L. Sayers

Inspired in large part by the excellent essay I have quoted above, I wrote a poem yesterday... Well, it was supposed to be one poem, but rather interestingly mutated into two of them! :D I wrote the non-rhyming one first, then found a rhyming version coming to mind...

I guess the first version is more serious and the second more light hearted. :) Also, the chiastic structure is more important and comes out more strongly in the first one. They're like non-identical twins: they started out as one 'egg', but they've grown apart since then! :D

Anyway, without more ado:

BEING HUMAN (1)

My purpose is not to please a man
My purpose is not to keep a house
My purpose is not career motherhood
My purpose is not a successful career

I have no wish to manipulate
I have no wish to dominate
I have no wish to lose myself in a family
I have no wish to lose myself in a job

I am not a seductive temptress
I am not a domestic angel
I am not a hardened superwoman
I am not a baby factory

I am a human being

I am a complex individual
I am interested in diverse and disparate things
I am strong in some areas, weaker in others
I am sometimes right and sometimes wrong

I want to live a fulfilling life
I want to complete what God calls me to do
I want to do what I can do well
I want the freedom to be myself

My purpose is to love and please God
My purpose is to enjoy His love and embody it
My purpose is to give to the world what only I can give
My purpose is to become the best version of myself

© Ruth Fanshaw 2010
Composed 20th December 2010

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

BEING HUMAN (2)

I don't exist to please a man,
Wield cleaning cloth and frying pan,
Nor worship kids or a career –
These things are not why I am here!

I don't want to manipulate,
Nor master, rule or dominate.
I do not want to lose myself,
In family or in seeking wealth.

I am no seductive temptress,
Nor angelic household empress;
No machine promotion-taker
Nor a patent baby-maker!

I'm a human, that is all;
With my own life, and my own Call.

I am a complex mix of things:
Of interests, traits and ponderings.
I'm sometimes weak and sometimes strong;
I'm sometimes right and sometimes wrong.

I want fulfilment, just like you:
To do what God wants me to do.
To use my skills and use them well -
The freedom just to be myself!

My purpose is to please my Lord:
To be myself – complete, restored!
To give what only I can give
And show His love by how I live.

© Ruth Fanshaw 2010
Composed 20th December 2010

I hope it will be understood that I am not suggesting that marriage, kids and careers are in themselves bad things! The problem only comes when people (of either gender) imagine that any of these things are their raison d'être.

For myself, I would not rule out marriage if a suitable candidate should apply. :D (There is no such individual in my metaphorical waiting room.) I would like to be a mother, and I would like to be respected in my field and be financially independent. But if I ever get to the point where the person God created me to be gets buried or lost in any of these things... well, I'll just have to get out these poems and remind myself! :D

A Knight's Tale

Once I built a Castle.
My steed was swift,
And my Sword was bright.
I rode to Adventure and Battle;
I rode for Honour and Valour;
I rode for the Joy of One who called me…

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

It has been a long ride…

I have seen many Battles and many Adventures;
And I have met many bandits and wild beasts.
Some have robbed me, and some wounded me;
My Sword has been notched,
And my Castle broken…

But always I have honed the blade and rebuilt;
I have bound up my wounds and ridden onwards,
Scarred but not consumed…

The One who called me led me on;
And in time, I came to a Valley of Peace.
I rested by the still waters, and was content.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I met a fellow knight.
A white knight with a good heart.
I admired his courage and his gentleness.
I admired his strength in the One who called us.
It seemed that we would ride together…

We would share our Adventures;
We would face our Battles side by side.
We would build our Castle,
Shining and bright and set upon a hill…

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

But the knight was… of many colours;
And he has burnt my Castle.

The splendour of Carmel and Sharon have been taken from me,
And I have met lions in the Way…

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I step away from the smouldering ruins.
I set my face to the Sunrise.
For the One who called me calls still…

He steadies my weak knees;
He lifts my feeble hands.
His strength fills my fearful heart, for He comes to save me.

He is the River in my desert;
The parched land will bloom again.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I will take up my Sword once more,
And don my armour.
I will still ride for Honour and Valour.
I will be the White Knight.

I will ride again to Adventure and Battle;
Faith is my shield and Joy is my steed.
For the One who calls me is Truth,
And He sets me free from the ruined castle.

He will build my Castle again;
The foundations shall be of sapphires,
And the pinnacles of rubies.
I will enter Zion with singing;
Gladness and Joy will overtake me,
And sorrow and sighing will flee away…

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I am the Castle,
Lashed by storms yet comforted;
Anyone who attacks will surrender to me.

I am the Sword,
Forged from disaster to be fit for my work;
No other weapon will prevail against me.

I become the White Knight.

He my Master Builder;
He is my Blacksmith and Hammer and Fire;
He is my Armour and Honour and Valour;
He is my Comfort and my Vindication.

He calls…

And I will follow.

© Ruth Fanshaw 2010
(Composed Saturday 10th July 2010)

**NOTE: I do not own the pictures in this post

Booklet Thingy...

I have started writing a booklet thingy... gonna be a sort of self-help manual for dealing with stuff like the stuff I'm dealing with... some of the stuff in this blog may end up appearing in it...

Thing is - God can and does bring good out of anything and everything - IF we let Him. If what I'm going through can end up helping other peeps to suffer less, that has to make it worthwhile.
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