At His Feet

Well, I am back from my Adventure! :D It was a good time with God, and I have returned feeling refreshed. I feel that I have gained some perspective on the situation, and some distance, which is perhaps as valuable.

Keeping a journal proved an effective way of processing things in my mind. I wrote it every day for the whole three weeks, which is the longest I have ever kept up something like that for! I am going to keep it up now I'm home, I think, though perhaps not every day now.

Sunday was fine. I went up on my mobility scooter rather than getting a lift. This served a number of purposes: it got me some fresh air, which is good for my health! It meant I could arrive at the start and leave at the finish, rather than having to be there extremely early and be the last to go, thus having a stupid amount of time on my hands when there was little to keep me from thinking about the fact that he was there. And it meant I could have time with God on the way there and the way back, with worship music on my MP3 player. I found all of this very helpful. :)

He took the time to greet me and smile on Sunday, which made things easier. After that we kept out of each other's way. I actually thought he was quite tactful and gentlemanly about it, which I'm glad of for his sake. And I didn't feel tense or awkward while I was there, which shows how far God has brought me! :)

I have reached the conclusion that the answer is not to make him (this guy I mean, not God! :D) the focus. He used to be the focus in a positive way - thinking when I would next get to see him and enjoying his company and wotnot. Then, after the Very Horrible Thing, he became the focus in a negative way - worrying about having to see him, and enduring the pain of his presence. I didn't fully realise this while I was in that place, but it now seems so screamingly obvious that I wonder how I could have failed to notice it.

Anyway, while I was away, I gained, as I say, some perspective and distance, and I believe it's important that I hang on to that mindset. I am trying not to slip back into worrying about seeing him, etc, but to simply focus on church as church - time when I can worship God with His people and perhaps do some good to a few people. It was always that as well, but this had somehow ceased to be the central thought in my head; I need to make sure that it is from now on.

And for life in general, my focus must be my relationship with God (obviously!) and getting on with what I ought to be doing - with the Purpose I believe God has for my life. Again, this sense of Purpose got slightly eclipsed somehow... or perhaps I just focused too much on that aspect of what I believed at the time that God wanted... At any rate, I don't believe that he ever eclipsed my relationship with God, or that I ever made an idol out of him. Certainly, I fervently hope that I was never guilty of that!

And as he is no longer to be the focus, the nature of this blog is likely to change somewhat from now on. I shall continue to write about God's faithfulness and healing, but shall probably refer less to this matter itself. I know there are still things that I am working through, but going over and over the same ground doesn't help anyone, and would be counterproductive.

Hmmm... I appear to have written a bit of an essay! :D

I'm going to finish with a song called "At Your Feet" by Casting Crowns. It is really 'the song of my life' at the moment, as a good friend recently put it in her blog. :) It almost feels too personal to share here, but I do so in the hope that it may help and encourage other folk. :)

It really is true that the more fully we surrender to God, the more free we are. Paradoxical, but true! And it brings a deeper peace than can be found or achieved in any other way. I am so thankful to my wonderful God for His faithfulness and grace to me. :')

My Days in His Hands

Well, I have had a really good week! Sarah was brilliant, as always! And it was so good to see her. :) And the scenery was stunning, whether it was in broad sunshine, rain or sea mist. Actually, I think the sea mist was my favourite. :)

God has said so much to me, in so many ways - far too much to put in here!

But I have come away from it all with a sense that this could actually be a really good season in my life - a really special time with God, a time of growth; and also with a feeling of moving into the future with hope and trust in the One who holds all my days in His hands and who knows "what's really out there waiting"; the One to whom "the future is history".

I am going to do my best to make the most of this season and every other season that comes along, and always to drink in 'The Miracle of the moment'. :)

And Part II of my Adventure still lies before me, commencing tomorrow. Again, I don't know if I'll be able to blog for the next couple of weeks, but I'll fill you in once I get back. Have a great fortnight, people! Our God is good and faithful, and He will never let go of your hand. :')
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Always Enough

Well, it's been an interesting week...

Made it to church in the morning for once instead of the evening. The preacher was talking about Psalm 23 and about going through dark valleys. At the end she said she felt strongly that she should suggest that the people who are going through valleys at the moment should talk to a member of the church leadership after. And I felt that God was talking to me when she said it.

Now, I have been careful not to talk to anyone in my church about all this, because I believe it would be wrong to damage the person's reputation. So I obeyed what I thought God was saying, but I didn't go into any details at all - basically, I just said that someone had hurt me badly; that they had behaved wrongly in this one area but that I believed their character to be in all other respects irreproachable. I didn't even mention the gender of the person. And the lady I spoke to got a couple of other ladies, and they prayed with me - and that was that.

I did wonder a little what the point was, apart from getting a bit more prayer, and I think it's this: because I can't really talk to anyone in my church about it, I have been feeling very alone and isolated there; like it wasn't really my church anymore. I think God wanted to show me that that isn't true: that it is still my church, that I have not been pushed out, that I do still belong. :')

Wednesday night was difficult and painful as usual. The stress of this business is really affecting my health - M.E. is particularly susceptible to stress. I really do need this time away, and I'm very grateful to God for making it possible. I am actually looking forward to it as an adventure, and I believe it will be a significant time with God.

Probably I won't be blogging so very much during the next 3 weeks, as I'm not sure when I will have internet access. But I'm going to try keeping a journal for the 3 weeks. I just feel like that might be a good idea... So maybe I will have stuff to report when I get back. :)

Meanwhile, as a parting thought: This song sums up pretty well where I am right now. I do feel like a dry and weary land, but Jesus is my rain, and through every fire and storm He is always enough. :)

P.S. - I know the lyrics on the video don't always show up very well and some of them have been typed wrong, but the pictures are great! :)
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More on God's Faithfulness...

I feel that tonight was a bit of milestone. Certainly, it was another outstanding example of God's faithfulness...

It was rather like the last Sunday night that I wrote about (see post "My So-Faithful God"), but even more so. His strength in me came through even stronger, and what, in the natural way of things, should have been an ordeal (it was last week! :S) was miraculously transformed into a peaceful victory - not over a person, you understand, but over circumstances and my own sinful nature.

I felt able to be natural and be myself for most of the evening, and to simply throw myself into the worship and enjoy it without many painful twinges... but it went beyond that. I had been praying that God would help me love "in a Jesus-y way" the person who hurt me and did not do right by me; and tonight, He really helped me to take a significant step along that road. I was able to make a gesture to show that I wasn't harbouring a grudge and that I still wished him well. It was only a small gesture, but it was a start! You might say it was one small step in the natural realm, but a giant leap forward in my walk with God! :'D

I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this is God at work in me and not 'my own power or goodness'. I know this because of all the times I have failed to do this in my past, including last week! And now I feel quiet and at peace inside, and I know that this, too, is God. Whatever other people may do to let us down or mess us about, He never does. He is always faithful and constant and utterly reliable. And He can bring out this aspect of His character in us (like all the other aspects) more and more as we walk with Him.

I've also been thinking about all the mercy I have received from God, and I want to be able to extend that to this person as well; I don't want to be like the servant in the parable who was cleared of a huge debt and then went and punished his fellow servant because he owed him a fiver. And again, I know absolutely that it is God who is giving me the strength to start along this path; and His grace is sufficient to keep me on it.

I am also very grateful that God is providing a few weeks of respite for me soon; I shall shortly be going on holiday for 3 weeks - the longest holiday of my life! - and the way the opportunities have all come together so quickly has God's goodness written all over it. The very fact that I can afford it is a small miracle in itself! :D

So basically, I am resting in the love and comfort of my Father, and am immensely grateful for His utterly consistent and amazingly generous goodness to me. :')

The Great Adventure!

Ok, so to be honest, I've really been struggling for the last few days; and I didn't want to post about it here because I really wanted this blog to encourage people...

Anyway, I was really down today, despite all my best efforts to the contrary - and then I found this song 'by accident' while looking for something else...

I couldn't believe how much it reminded me of the poem I wrote a few days ago (see post "A Knight's Tale"). It even contains the phrase "the ride of your life" - which I didn't put in the poem but had been thinking as I read it through afterwards. Clearly Mr Chapman is thinking more cowboys than knights in armour... but that's a minor detail! :D

This has really lifted my spirits again and made me feel quite positive and upbeat about 'riding on' with Jesus again. It's like I said - God always sends me something to lift me out of the black moments. I just have to keep giving the whole sorry mess to Him and let Him sort it out. He is faithful, and He does have all my days in His hands.

I am glad of the reminder that He doesn't just lead me, he also 'rides' with me. And He can see the way ahead when I can't see how to take a single step forward. I just have to take His hand, trust that He knows best, and walk on with Him. Or ride! :')
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A Knight's Tale

Once I built a Castle.
My steed was swift,
And my Sword was bright.
I rode to Adventure and Battle;
I rode for Honour and Valour;
I rode for the Joy of One who called me…

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

It has been a long ride…

I have seen many Battles and many Adventures;
And I have met many bandits and wild beasts.
Some have robbed me, and some wounded me;
My Sword has been notched,
And my Castle broken…

But always I have honed the blade and rebuilt;
I have bound up my wounds and ridden onwards,
Scarred but not consumed…

The One who called me led me on;
And in time, I came to a Valley of Peace.
I rested by the still waters, and was content.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I met a fellow knight.
A white knight with a good heart.
I admired his courage and his gentleness.
I admired his strength in the One who called us.
It seemed that we would ride together…

We would share our Adventures;
We would face our Battles side by side.
We would build our Castle,
Shining and bright and set upon a hill…

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

But the knight was… of many colours;
And he has burnt my Castle.

The splendour of Carmel and Sharon have been taken from me,
And I have met lions in the Way…

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I step away from the smouldering ruins.
I set my face to the Sunrise.
For the One who called me calls still…

He steadies my weak knees;
He lifts my feeble hands.
His strength fills my fearful heart, for He comes to save me.

He is the River in my desert;
The parched land will bloom again.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I will take up my Sword once more,
And don my armour.
I will still ride for Honour and Valour.
I will be the White Knight.

I will ride again to Adventure and Battle;
Faith is my shield and Joy is my steed.
For the One who calls me is Truth,
And He sets me free from the ruined castle.

He will build my Castle again;
The foundations shall be of sapphires,
And the pinnacles of rubies.
I will enter Zion with singing;
Gladness and Joy will overtake me,
And sorrow and sighing will flee away…

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I am the Castle,
Lashed by storms yet comforted;
Anyone who attacks will surrender to me.

I am the Sword,
Forged from disaster to be fit for my work;
No other weapon will prevail against me.

I become the White Knight.

He my Master Builder;
He is my Blacksmith and Hammer and Fire;
He is my Armour and Honour and Valour;
He is my Comfort and my Vindication.

He calls…

And I will follow.

© Ruth Fanshaw 2010
(Composed Saturday 10th July 2010)

**NOTE: I do not own the pictures in this post

Going Up!

I painted this over the last couple of days...

I am the eagle.

The stuff I am currently dealing with is represented by the mountain range and the valley.

My pain is represented by the clouds.

God is the sun rising, and the light gilding the clouds, and the wind beneath my wings. :')




From the beginning I have been determined not to 'go down' over this - I know that God can give me the strength to rise and soar, and He has very faithfully been doing just that; so I called this painting "Going Up!" :)
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Faith and Questions

"If we have faith, there are no questions; if we do not have faith, there are no answers" - Voltaire

My sister mentioned this to me this afternoon, and I have been thinking about it... I think it's perhaps a little simplistic. I think it is more true to say that if we have faith, we can live with the questions.

Christianity is faith in a Person; a person whom we actually know and spend time with. It's a friendship. So when things seem to go wrong, faith is a matter of trusting that whatever He does or allows to happen, He has a good reason for. We can trust Him in this way because of the friendship we have - the time we have spent in His company, the things He has done for us in the past, the Person we know Him to be.

In particular, we can trust because of what Jesus did for us on the Cross. No one would put themselves through such horrendous misery for someone else unless they genuinely cared for them very deeply, and genuinely wanted the very best for them. So when the bad stuff happens in our lives, we need to trust our friend - our very best friend - and wait for Him to explain, because we know that He will have a reason that justifies whatever it was that we went through.

It probably is true that without faith, no answer will ever satisfy us. Unless we can learn to trust Jesus as a Person, we will always be confused and dissatisfied; but if we can learn to put our trust in Him, as our friend, the questions are ok, because we know that there are answers - and satisfactory ones - we just don't have them yet.
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My So-Faithful God! :')

Well, God has surpassed Himself tonight. Talk about His grace being sufficient! He has ministered to me so much; He has even spoken to me through the actual pain itself! A lot of it is very personal, so I'm gonna have to have a think and pray about how much of it is appropriate to share here...

For now, suffice to say that He gave me a strength so far beyond my own that it was staggering. And that He has reassured me of His comfort and presence and love and PURPOSE in all of this. I do believe that this pain will bear fruit for the Kingdom and cause others to be spared such pain, and that I can leave a legacy to go on doing this even after I am dead. That is pretty flippin' amazing.

The other thing is that when we go through this kind of stuff, we have the privilege of sharing a little in His sufferings. Phil. 3:10: "I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the sharing of His sufferings by becoming like Him in His death..." When we surrender our will to God's will, even if it means accepting pain, we become a little more 'like Him in His death'. And this leads to knowing Him in a deeper way; a fuller intimacy with Him.

"No matter what circumstances come our way - God's grace is sufficient, and He has a purpose for your life... The joy of the Purpose is greater than anything else. God has a plan for you. Move. Stand. Don't compromise." - Nick Vujicic
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Made Again :')

I would never have believed that this could be true for me at such a time in my life... I'm not trying to pretend that I don't have very difficult moments, when the pain becomes very intense - but God always lifts me up again, always sends me something that helps...

So yes, I have been here SO many times before in my life that it's unreal, and this should have been the worst of the lot, but I do see things differently this time because of what God is doing in me...

I do see the beauty in the world, and also in myself... The first couple of days after the Very Horrible Thing happened, whenever I caught sight of myself in a mirror my own eyes scared me, but now I can look at myself and my eyes do look clear and shining and even joyful...

And after the black moments, when God lifts me up again, it IS like waking up from a bad dream to find that the world is wonderful again after all...

Only Jesus can do this!! :')