Feeling Good

The week between Christmas Day and New Year's Day always feels oddly liminal to me. It doesn't feel like part of the old year, and yet it is not part of the year to come, either. This used to be a vague niggle for me, but I find it quite relaxing now. A good time to pause, catch one's breath and take stock, methinks! :)

This year, I'm not making New Year's Resolutions. Instead, I'm thinking in terms of a list of things that I would like to have achieved by this time next year. Goals, rather than 'resolutions'. The word resolution, whilst quite bracing in it's own way, also feels a little daunting. Goals seem a much friendlier concept! :D

Last month, a friend blogged on the subject of having a 'bucket list' - a list of things you want to do or achieve before you 'kick the bucket'. I've been thinking about this quite a lot, and it has impacted on my 2011 goals, which include the following:

THIS TIME NEXT YEAR:
- I want to feel fully myself again, healed up from the crap brought to me by 2010
- I want to have completed my self-help book for people experiencing similar crap
- I want to have made a good, solid chunk of progress on my novel
- I want to have built my health up and feel noticeably stronger than I do now
- I want to have managed my finances into a more stable position

It's a deliberately short list, and a deliberately achievable list. (I'm well on the way to the first item already.) It's even deliberately vague in places! For me, it's all about making progress. As long as I feel that I have made significant progress in those areas, I shall consider it a success.

I have purposely set goals which make me feel energised and enthusiastic, not ones which make me feel threatened or pressured. Goals that I really feel that I shall be able to accomplish. And of course, one can always reassess goals as one goes along. They aren't carved in stone.

2010 has been, as her majesty the Queen once put it, an 'annus horriblis'. But 2011 still lies before me. And I am going to do my best to make it a very good year.

Life will always have challenges and problems, but if God could get me through this year - one of the hardest of my life, if not the hardest - then He can certainly get me through anything else that life throws at me. I am feeling hopeful and positive about the year to come.

I feel that a new chapter is opening in my life. And I'm feeling good. :)

Being Human

' "What," men have asked distractedly from the beginning of time, "what on earth do women want?" I do not know that women, as women, want anything in particular, but as human beings they want, my good men, exactly what you want yourselves: interesting occupation, reasonable freedom for their pleasures, and a sufficient emotional outlet. What form the occupation, the pleasures and the emotion may take, depends entirely upon the individual. You know that this is so with yourselves - why will you not believe that it is so with us...

"Accepted as a human being!" - yes; not as an inferior class and not, I beg and pray all feminists, as a superior class - not in fact, as a class at all, except in a useful context...'

- from the essay "Are Women Human?" in "Unpopular Opinions" by Dorothy L. Sayers

Inspired in large part by the excellent essay I have quoted above, I wrote a poem yesterday... Well, it was supposed to be one poem, but rather interestingly mutated into two of them! :D I wrote the non-rhyming one first, then found a rhyming version coming to mind...

I guess the first version is more serious and the second more light hearted. :) Also, the chiastic structure is more important and comes out more strongly in the first one. They're like non-identical twins: they started out as one 'egg', but they've grown apart since then! :D

Anyway, without more ado:

BEING HUMAN (1)

My purpose is not to please a man
My purpose is not to keep a house
My purpose is not career motherhood
My purpose is not a successful career

I have no wish to manipulate
I have no wish to dominate
I have no wish to lose myself in a family
I have no wish to lose myself in a job

I am not a seductive temptress
I am not a domestic angel
I am not a hardened superwoman
I am not a baby factory

I am a human being

I am a complex individual
I am interested in diverse and disparate things
I am strong in some areas, weaker in others
I am sometimes right and sometimes wrong

I want to live a fulfilling life
I want to complete what God calls me to do
I want to do what I can do well
I want the freedom to be myself

My purpose is to love and please God
My purpose is to enjoy His love and embody it
My purpose is to give to the world what only I can give
My purpose is to become the best version of myself

© Ruth Fanshaw 2010
Composed 20th December 2010

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BEING HUMAN (2)

I don't exist to please a man,
Wield cleaning cloth and frying pan,
Nor worship kids or a career –
These things are not why I am here!

I don't want to manipulate,
Nor master, rule or dominate.
I do not want to lose myself,
In family or in seeking wealth.

I am no seductive temptress,
Nor angelic household empress;
No machine promotion-taker
Nor a patent baby-maker!

I'm a human, that is all;
With my own life, and my own Call.

I am a complex mix of things:
Of interests, traits and ponderings.
I'm sometimes weak and sometimes strong;
I'm sometimes right and sometimes wrong.

I want fulfilment, just like you:
To do what God wants me to do.
To use my skills and use them well -
The freedom just to be myself!

My purpose is to please my Lord:
To be myself – complete, restored!
To give what only I can give
And show His love by how I live.

© Ruth Fanshaw 2010
Composed 20th December 2010

I hope it will be understood that I am not suggesting that marriage, kids and careers are in themselves bad things! The problem only comes when people (of either gender) imagine that any of these things are their raison d'être.

For myself, I would not rule out marriage if a suitable candidate should apply. :D (There is no such individual in my metaphorical waiting room.) I would like to be a mother, and I would like to be respected in my field and be financially independent. But if I ever get to the point where the person God created me to be gets buried or lost in any of these things... well, I'll just have to get out these poems and remind myself! :D

God WITH us!

The Apostle Paul tells us that some people see certain days as more important than others, while other people see each day as of equal importance. He says it doesn't matter which you are, as long as you're settled in your own mind and respect those who disagree (Romans 14:5-6).

I have to say that I am really in the latter group. I mean, I like Christmas, I enjoy it, but for me, God becoming a human being is just as important every other day of the year as it is on the 25th of December. That doesn't mean that Christmas doesn't have meaning. It's just that that meaning carries over the whole year.

But I suddenly feel that this 'meaning of Christmas' is coming home to me in a new way. A way that goes beyond (in a sense) the knowledge that God came to earth as a human being - though I don't mean to diminish the enormity of that for a moment. That alone would have been a staggering thing for Him to do. But that alone was not enough for Him.

God became a human being and lived a genuine human life. He showed that it can be done right. Then He chose to die a horrible death, carrying the guilt of all our wrong doing so that we wouldn't have to. And then He rose from the dead, proving that even death itself had no power over Him! Staggering, awesome, life-changing stuff! But even that wasn't enough for Him!

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Isaiah's prophecy (Isaiah 7:14) about Jesus calls Him "Immanuel", which means "God with us". It's this "God with us" that is taking on a new and deeper meaning for me.

We know that it means that God entered into human experience. But I believe it goes even deeper than that. God with us. God with us. Entering into human experience was not enough for Him. He enters into our individual experience. Right here, right now.

When Jesus sent 'the Comforter', the Holy Spirit (John 13:15-29), God came to 'make His home with us' (v. 23). That means God entering into our lives. Our real lives. That means God entering into all our individual personal crap. God entering into our whole experience of living. When we hurt, He doesn't just sympathise (though He does that too) - He feels that hurt. He lives through it with us.

There are lots of songs about God 'watching' us or 'looking down on us', and that is true, and many of them are great songs. But it is only a piece of the truth. It's not just "God above all my hopes and fears" (though I love that song!) - it's God in our hopes and fears. It's God living through that with us. It's not just God looking down on our storm, it's Jesus in the boat with us, feeling the lashing of the wind and rain. It's Jesus walking on sea, and reaching out to save us when we begin to sink.

When God asks us to endure things in this life, it isn't just on the basis of what He did for us 2000 years ago - although the immensity of that alone cannot be properly put into words! It's on the basis of what He is doing right now. Because He doesn't just ask us to endure these things - He endures them with us!

Last night, a friend and I were saying how we had lost faith in "one day" - that vague future time when everything gets better. But Jesus is with us now, in this day - right in the thick of it. Right in the middle of the hurt and confusion, God is with us! He is experiencing it too. I may not be able to see "one day" with any clarity, but I can believe in this day!

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For me, this is a big and vital part of the meaning of Christmas, and Easter, and the coming of the Holy Spirit: that Jesus went through all that, not only to save us from our sin and our sinful nature - even the enormity of that undertaking was not enough for Him! His love demanded more: the restoration of full communion with us. He suffered for us, partly so that He could go on to suffer with us. He wanted to come close to us in our sufferings; so close that He partook in them.

I believe this what He means when He says (John 13:27) that He leaves His peace with us: He leaves Himself with us, through the Holy Spirit. With us. This is not as the world gives - how could it? Only God Himself can come that close to any of us; can give Himself so completely. This is why our hearts do not need to be troubled or afraid. This is the wonderful 'togetherness', with Himself and the Father through the Holy Spirit, that he promises us (John 13:18-20). We will never be left alone again. Not ever.

There are no words to describe the staggering Grace of all this. I could pile it high with adjectives and superlatives, and it wouldn't make a dint. What did I ever do, that the perfect King of the Universe should enter into my little life in that way? What could I ever do to repay it or make it worth His while? The answer to both questions is, of course: nothing. But incredibly, He thinks it is worth His while!

The Grace of God is just so BIG! The more you learn about it, the bigger it gets! And there is ALWAYS more to learn!

"Thank you" is a woefully inadequate phrase with which to respond; but it's the best one we've got.

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The Door of Hope

For the last two or three days, I have had a real sense of peace; the kind of peace that makes you feel that you can breathe again. All the tension goes out of you, and you just relax into it. It's like God, as your Dad, gives you a big hug that makes you feel that everything will be ok after all. I have even felt stirrings of joy again.

It came on quite suddenly. I found myself in a place of acceptance again, a place where I was able to let go of the questions that have tortured me for the last few months. What happened happened, and things are the way they are.

Sadly, part of that was having to let go of my attempts to justify or excuse the person who hurt me. That doesn't mean going to the other extreme and giving way to anger and resentment. It just means accepting things as they are. There are still unanswered questions, but I feel that I can live with them now. I feel that it's ok not to know.

All in all, I feel that God is bringing me back to the place I had reached when I came home from my time away. He is restoring my soul again. :')

Hosea 2:15 tells us that God can make the 'Valley of Achor' (Achor means trouble) into a 'door of hope'. Even in our darkest times, He can take our situation and turn it around. There is no valley too dark for God's hope and love to shine into. :)

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Just the Next Step

This song ("Watch Over Me" by Aaron Shust) pretty much sums up how I feel right now. Things are still pretty tough - but they ARE getting better, slowly but surely. Some days are still horrid, and I certainly haven't always handled things as well as I might. But some days I feel almost normal, and even sometimes fairly happy.

I am still in the dark valley, but I can see the light at the end. And most important of all, I am not alone for a single step of the way. Jesus is always with me, loving me and supporting me. Even when I can't feel it, I know He's there.

I can't see far ahead, but He gives me enough light to take the next step. Just the next step. It might be a very little step, but as long as I keep taking them, I know that one day I will reach the end of the valley; and then the world will open up before me again.


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Honesty is the Best Policy

I haven't blogged much lately. The basic reason for this is that I've been going through a particularly tough time and I wanted this blog to encourage people, not depress them! But I think I've now reached a stage where I can begin to talk about what I'm learning from this tough time. So here goes.

Recently, I have come to realise that I am teetering precariously on the brink of clinical depression. I haven't been there in 20 years, so it was a bit of a shock to find it happening again. Once I acknowledged that this was happening, I was able to think about how it came to happen...

THE STORY SO FAR
As followers of this blog will know, a little over four months ago, I had my heart broken. (I have thought in the past that I had had my heart broken, but judging from this experience, the other times must just have been nasty sprains! :'D) I was finding it very stressful to have to see the person who hurt me in this way regularly at church meetings, which in turn had an adverse effect on my M.E. (which does not respond well to stress). So as soon as I could manage it, I went away for three weeks to give myself space to recover.

The time away was a really good time with God, during which I was able to work through things in a healthy way, and I returned feeling refreshed and much stronger. So far, so good.

Where I went wrong was that I had decided that by the time I got back, I should 'be able to cope'. So when I found that it was still a great strain, I started to bottle things up again and went into a form of denial. Unsurprisingly (with hindsight!) this amplified the stress to an alarming degree, and resulted in the state in which I now find myself. (Things were not helped by the sudden death last week of someone I was once very close to.)

PHYSICAL CAUSES
Since I have acknowledged to myself where I am, I have started to improve again. I have got myself I a little book called "Coping with Anxiety and Depression", written by a Christian nurse called Shirley Trickett and published by Sheldon Press. I heartily recommend it to anyone who is going through anything similar. She explains that depression and anxiety both occur when your nervous system has had more than it can physically cope with. Then it starts to malfunction in one or both of the following ways:

Your nervous system has two parts: the 'sympathetic' nervous system and the 'parasympathetic' nervous system. The 'sympathetic' side speeds things up. It is what gives you an adrenaline kick when you face a crisis. Ms Trickett invites us to picture it as a man in red Ferrari with his foot on the accelerator! When this side goes into overdrive, it causes anxiety.

The 'parasympathetic' nervous system (which Ms. Trickett pictures as a man pootling along in a blue Morris Minor) is the side that slows things down. When this side malfunctions, it causes depression. Simple, really.

My overloaded nervous system has been swinging between the two, which is apparently not uncommon. I had anxiety for days before a meeting, and depression for days afterwards. This pretty much filled up the week! This had a very bad effect on my M.E. quite apart from the anxiety and depression in themselves.

CONCLUSIONS
As I say, once I acknowledged the problem and it's causes, I was able to begin to deal with things again, and have been starting to improve. I realise now that I had put a burden on myself that God never meant me to bear. He certainly never intended me to lie to myself, which was what caused my system to overload.

Jesus knows our human frailties; He has lived with them Himself. He doesn't require us to be 'Superpeople'. If we are struggling - yes, we are supposed to praise God in it, but nowhere does the Bible tell us to pretend that we are not struggling! The Apostle Paul acknowledges his struggles time and again, while still giving God glory in the midst of them.

The problem was never God's faithfulness. He has been staggeringly faithful through it all, including leading me to things that helped me, like Ms Trickett's book. The problem was how I handled things. It wasn't that I stopped talking to God, or even that I stopped asking Him for strength. But because I wasn't acknowledging the true state of things within myself, I wasn't able to receive all the help and strength that He wanted to give me.

So if anyone else is in a similar situation, I urge you to acknowledge this to yourself! You cannot receive the fulness of the help God wants to give you until you do. Honesty really is the best policy.

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What Kermit Taught Me...

The following wisdom is quoted directly from the autobiography of the mighty Kermit the Frog, available from Amazon and all good book shops...




WHAT I'VE LEARNED ABOUT BAD THINGS

BAD THINGS HURT
Sometimes the hurt is physical, as when Gonzo misjudges his motorcycle re-entry trajectory and lands on your instep, or when Miss Piggy inflicts a karate chop to your lower lumbar region. Sometimes the hurt goes deeper, as when someone disappoints you or Miss Piggy lands on your instep. In either case, you must try to heal. Let time pass and the hurt will go away, though you may still walk with a limp.






BAD THINGS DON'T MEAN BAD PEOPLE
We are all capable of causing bad things to happen to others; that does not mean we are bad. Even when someone goes out of his way to make bad things happen to people, that doesn't mean he is bad. (But it does mean it might be a good idea to pretend your cell phone just rang and that you have to rush home right away to feed the cockatoos.) We have to give people the benefit of the doubt and forgive them for the hurt they may cause. But bring your cell phone along, just in case.


ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING
There are two ways to react to bad things. The easy way is to get angry, cast aspersions, and generally get in a bad mood about the world and everything in it. For an advanced course in this approach, see Statler and Waldorf's classic guide to curmudgeonliness, "How We Learned to Stop Worrying and Start Blaming You". The other way to react takes a lot more work. You can get over it. That's right; accept it, be happy you survived it, and get past it. Then make every effort to prevent bad things from happening to you and to others. (This includes not standing too close to Statler and Walforf.)


WHY WORRY?
The only thing worse than having something bad happen to you is worrying about it beforehand. Constant fretting can make you afraid to face the world or even get up in the morning. Don't be a worry wart. (Not that there's anything wrong with warts; some of my best friends cause warts.)


IF IT WERE EASY, EVERYONE WOULD BE YOU
Overcoming difficult times is what turns you into "you". I wouldn't be me - for better or worse - if Miss Piggy weren't there to make my life, uh... interesting. Fozzie wouldn't be Fozzie if it weren't for the long, hard trek he has made in his rise to the comedic heights, relatively speaking. And who would Gonzo be if it weren't for his constant violations of the laws of gravity, aerodynamics and common sense? We are often at our best when we're facing our worst situations. Know that when you come out of it, you can be a better you.


From "Before You Leap - a Frog's-Eye View of Life's Greatest Lessons" by Kermit the Frog :)



Release your inner muppet... :)
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At His Feet

Well, I am back from my Adventure! :D It was a good time with God, and I have returned feeling refreshed. I feel that I have gained some perspective on the situation, and some distance, which is perhaps as valuable.

Keeping a journal proved an effective way of processing things in my mind. I wrote it every day for the whole three weeks, which is the longest I have ever kept up something like that for! I am going to keep it up now I'm home, I think, though perhaps not every day now.

Sunday was fine. I went up on my mobility scooter rather than getting a lift. This served a number of purposes: it got me some fresh air, which is good for my health! It meant I could arrive at the start and leave at the finish, rather than having to be there extremely early and be the last to go, thus having a stupid amount of time on my hands when there was little to keep me from thinking about the fact that he was there. And it meant I could have time with God on the way there and the way back, with worship music on my MP3 player. I found all of this very helpful. :)

He took the time to greet me and smile on Sunday, which made things easier. After that we kept out of each other's way. I actually thought he was quite tactful and gentlemanly about it, which I'm glad of for his sake. And I didn't feel tense or awkward while I was there, which shows how far God has brought me! :)

I have reached the conclusion that the answer is not to make him (this guy I mean, not God! :D) the focus. He used to be the focus in a positive way - thinking when I would next get to see him and enjoying his company and wotnot. Then, after the Very Horrible Thing, he became the focus in a negative way - worrying about having to see him, and enduring the pain of his presence. I didn't fully realise this while I was in that place, but it now seems so screamingly obvious that I wonder how I could have failed to notice it.

Anyway, while I was away, I gained, as I say, some perspective and distance, and I believe it's important that I hang on to that mindset. I am trying not to slip back into worrying about seeing him, etc, but to simply focus on church as church - time when I can worship God with His people and perhaps do some good to a few people. It was always that as well, but this had somehow ceased to be the central thought in my head; I need to make sure that it is from now on.

And for life in general, my focus must be my relationship with God (obviously!) and getting on with what I ought to be doing - with the Purpose I believe God has for my life. Again, this sense of Purpose got slightly eclipsed somehow... or perhaps I just focused too much on that aspect of what I believed at the time that God wanted... At any rate, I don't believe that he ever eclipsed my relationship with God, or that I ever made an idol out of him. Certainly, I fervently hope that I was never guilty of that!

And as he is no longer to be the focus, the nature of this blog is likely to change somewhat from now on. I shall continue to write about God's faithfulness and healing, but shall probably refer less to this matter itself. I know there are still things that I am working through, but going over and over the same ground doesn't help anyone, and would be counterproductive.

Hmmm... I appear to have written a bit of an essay! :D

I'm going to finish with a song called "At Your Feet" by Casting Crowns. It is really 'the song of my life' at the moment, as a good friend recently put it in her blog. :) It almost feels too personal to share here, but I do so in the hope that it may help and encourage other folk. :)

It really is true that the more fully we surrender to God, the more free we are. Paradoxical, but true! And it brings a deeper peace than can be found or achieved in any other way. I am so thankful to my wonderful God for His faithfulness and grace to me. :')

My Days in His Hands

Well, I have had a really good week! Sarah was brilliant, as always! And it was so good to see her. :) And the scenery was stunning, whether it was in broad sunshine, rain or sea mist. Actually, I think the sea mist was my favourite. :)

God has said so much to me, in so many ways - far too much to put in here!

But I have come away from it all with a sense that this could actually be a really good season in my life - a really special time with God, a time of growth; and also with a feeling of moving into the future with hope and trust in the One who holds all my days in His hands and who knows "what's really out there waiting"; the One to whom "the future is history".

I am going to do my best to make the most of this season and every other season that comes along, and always to drink in 'The Miracle of the moment'. :)

And Part II of my Adventure still lies before me, commencing tomorrow. Again, I don't know if I'll be able to blog for the next couple of weeks, but I'll fill you in once I get back. Have a great fortnight, people! Our God is good and faithful, and He will never let go of your hand. :')
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Always Enough

Well, it's been an interesting week...

Made it to church in the morning for once instead of the evening. The preacher was talking about Psalm 23 and about going through dark valleys. At the end she said she felt strongly that she should suggest that the people who are going through valleys at the moment should talk to a member of the church leadership after. And I felt that God was talking to me when she said it.

Now, I have been careful not to talk to anyone in my church about all this, because I believe it would be wrong to damage the person's reputation. So I obeyed what I thought God was saying, but I didn't go into any details at all - basically, I just said that someone had hurt me badly; that they had behaved wrongly in this one area but that I believed their character to be in all other respects irreproachable. I didn't even mention the gender of the person. And the lady I spoke to got a couple of other ladies, and they prayed with me - and that was that.

I did wonder a little what the point was, apart from getting a bit more prayer, and I think it's this: because I can't really talk to anyone in my church about it, I have been feeling very alone and isolated there; like it wasn't really my church anymore. I think God wanted to show me that that isn't true: that it is still my church, that I have not been pushed out, that I do still belong. :')

Wednesday night was difficult and painful as usual. The stress of this business is really affecting my health - M.E. is particularly susceptible to stress. I really do need this time away, and I'm very grateful to God for making it possible. I am actually looking forward to it as an adventure, and I believe it will be a significant time with God.

Probably I won't be blogging so very much during the next 3 weeks, as I'm not sure when I will have internet access. But I'm going to try keeping a journal for the 3 weeks. I just feel like that might be a good idea... So maybe I will have stuff to report when I get back. :)

Meanwhile, as a parting thought: This song sums up pretty well where I am right now. I do feel like a dry and weary land, but Jesus is my rain, and through every fire and storm He is always enough. :)

P.S. - I know the lyrics on the video don't always show up very well and some of them have been typed wrong, but the pictures are great! :)
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